Saturday, May 12, 2012

Good News!!

Well, at the end of this month I will be 1 year free of co-dependant relationships!  That is good news! I have not been free sense jr highschool......I refuse to tell my age, but that is a long time! I have had a couple of set backs, got mad at God, and struggled through parts of this past year.  But, in all honesty, I have never really been this free, for this long, in my life.  Even though it has been a tough year, I still feel chains falling off of me with each day I move forward.  There is a part of me that is really afraid to announce this. I still look over my shoulder and ask myself, "Is this really happening?"  I am still not as strong as I wish to be, but I am also not in the same place of weakness that I used to be. I am moving forward. My goal right now is to address a couple more of my addictions like food and sugar.  Eventually, I want to be baptized (again) in the church that I have been attending for over a yr now. I have already been baptized, but there is something about that public declaration that did not have the same meaning to me that it now carries.  I see the cross through a different set of eyes. I see glimpses of Jesus that I have never identified with until now. I still have mountains to climb, but I am learning that this is one step at a time. One day at a time. One moment at a time.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Memoirs of a depressed, almost schizophrenic, bipolar woman who wishes she were more like Jesus!

Yes, folks. That was a long winded title. I just read my friend Terri's blog. It was so hilarious and inspiring. It made me take a more light-hearted approach to my fallen humanity.  I just reread my last blog post and it was very depressing.  However, even in the melancholy, (which I have discovered to be my temperament.....I know that will come as a shock to the general public), there is hope. And somehow it is the melancholy that becomes the road to recovery.  It is painful. I am finding, (well for today that is, wait til tomorrow rolls around and Tammy 2 takes over and I want to jump off the Chattanooga bridge), that Jesus came for the sick folks. Not the well ones. So, that,  I am qualified for.

I have been reading my bible again......which is a switch from being angry at God because of the circumstances that I have faced recently.  I love the way the Message Bible describes Jesus in Isaiah 53. "He embraced the company of the lowest,. He took on His own shoulders the sin of the many. He took up the cause of all the black sheep."  I also love the way the Message bible interprets Matthew 9 starting at verse 11 or so, "What kind of example is this from your Teacher, acting cozy with crooks and riffraff?"  Jesus, overhearing, shot back, "Who needs a doctor; the healthy or the sick? Go figure out what this Scripture means, "I'm after mercy, not religion."  In other words, I think what Jesus is really saying here is, "I would rather you repent (truly be sorry for your sin) than do the right thing, just because you know that is what you "ought" to do.

I think what those scriptures mean is, that the road to redemption is paved with suffering. It just is. And the suffering is looking our sickness in the face. Jesus did not come to create another bunch of religious garb. The Pharisees had already cornered the market on that. He came to make us Real. And part of that becoming real is facing who we really are and asking God to remove the cancer. Jesus compares Himself to a doctor and a doctor cannot cure anything until he first diagnoses the problem. I think about the scriptures where David cried out in Psalm 51, that if it were sacrifice (or one might say religious piety or knowing the right thing to do) that You desired, then I would offer it. However, David concluded that sacrifice was not God's aim. His aim was repentance......a broken and contrite spirit.....David cries, "that oh, Lord, You will not despise."  

I carry this huge weight on my shoulders when I begin to see the depths of the depravity and the sins that I have absolutely no remorse for in my life. It is a fearful thing. But, somehow, this is the answer I have been searching for. The answer is learning to hold that sense of depravity and fallen humanity up to God as my sacrifice to Him and plead for mercy.  Part of true Christianity is embracing the cross and part of that embracing, is trusting God to save what is completely unsalvageable without His grace--namely us. My prayer then, has to become, "Lord save me. I trust You to do what I could never do. That is why you came. You came to love the black sheep like me, until I break." Lately, my prayer has been that God would do whatever it takes to break my stubborn will.

A friend of mine made a comment that I found to be very interesting.  The other day, I was trying to explain the gift of the holy spirit to a friend of mine who did not fully understand what was taking place in a church service that I had invited her to. This woman is desperate for more of God. I said to my friend, "just keep an open mind about this. Even though you don't fully understand something because of things you have been taught, just keep an open mind and pray." I used an example from my own life, I said, "For example, all my life I thought God to be this mean, wrathful, judgmental God. And if you read the old testament, there are scriptures that will make you think God is really that way."  And she answered me this way, "But, Tammy, doesn't anybody ever look at how evil the people God was dealing with were."  That was profound to me.  I thought out loud, "No.  I guess I have never looked at it that way before. I have always looked at those things as God being mean."  I realize that there is a lot of controversy over old v/s new testament God.

At the risk of not entering into a theological debate, I want to keep this simple. My friend's answer was simple and childlike. "But look how evil the people were."  I am finding out that I never really want to take a hard, cold look at myself.  I begin to sulk, complain, whine and/or become frightened when God wants to whisper to me that I am wrong about this or that. There is a stubborn and proud part of me that shuts down when I misbehave and act out. Lately, I am finding that I hate what the bible says about loving your enemies. No. No. I would much rather, (like James and John), call fire down from heaven. Or, like Elisha, when people made fun of him for being bald, he just whipped up a lion or some wild animal to devour them. Was that even in the bible? I don't know. You better check. Okay, I checked. It is in the bible- 2 kings 2:23. Elisha got mad at some kids for calling him bald and put a curse on them in the name of the Lord and a couple of bears came out of the woods and devoured them. Bam! Problem solved!

I mean, come on. How cool would that be?  My next really bad PMS day, when someone smarts off, I just whip up a bear to eat them. That would be the coolest thing ever. People piss me off already! I get angry when people talk down to me, and ironically, that same thing has happened to me, over and over lately, from different sources. Each time I did not respond in christian character, let me tell you. No. Once, I got into a verbal brawl on the phone with someone who totally pissed me off.  All I needed to do was remove that WWJD bracelet around my wrist and start cussing.  I fumed the rest of the day and contemplated reporting the person for discrimination.  Oh. My. So, you see?  It takes grace to not just profess Christianity, but live it out. But, I believe that the power to live like Jesus begins with: "God help me. I am wrong." I am saying it takes GRACE when you are afflicted, and feel justified in your wrath, to practice christian character. But, I am trying to, (one moment at a time), to ask God to help me put on the humility of Christ in these circumstances where Tammy wants to cuss their ass out because they deserve it! 

Lets face reality, sometimes people deserve a real good cussing, from a professing Christian, just to have someone to hurl "You hypocrite," accusations toward. I am being sarcastic. I should not be cussing out anybody. But, I say to myself, "Self, you only live once, so, go on, and make a total ass of yourself. Everybody will notice, including Jesus, the angels in heaven, and the hall of faith in Hebrews, and that is always a real encouragement." BTW I don't wear one of those WWJD bracelets because lets face facts. Some days, that would be such a downer, when I act like a devil. Perhaps I need to wear one. Not around my wrist, but around my heart.

Did anybody get anything out of this? Hopefully, it was not a real downer. But, if it was, chalk it up to my melancholy temperament and forgive me.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Lets talk about sex, love, and God

 I am not going to bother to put a disclaimer here because my friends who read my blog already know that I am weird; thus, it won't matter. I am going to say some confusing controversial usual writing style.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the word "love" and what that means to me. Normally, what that word means is linked with some romantic fallacy, some "high on emotion notion." It's returns are worth less than the stock markets lowest drop! I am typing in "jumbledness." Bear with me.  To me, sex and love don't jive together. To me, they will never. They are two separate entities.......if I can call them that.

To me, sex mixed with love is blasphemy. Yeah. There. I said it. Yeah. I also know that is not scriptural and I also know that God ordained man to be fruitful and multiply and blah blah blah.  I did not say that sex was not pleasurable. I suppose it can be labeled a lustful appetite. Sure. I will agree to that.  I can't really go into all my reasons why I reached my view of sex here on this blog, but I don't so much have a very high opinion of the whole thing.

But, I have love and sex all mixed up and I wanna know what REAL love is and in my mind it really has nothing to do with sex at all. I am currently listening to (while I am typing this) to an 80's song by Foreigner, "I Wanna Know What Love Is." And that is my thoughts right now. Not toward any human being. Toward God. I wanna know what love is. I left church last night with this sense of "let down." I overheard a leader in the church complaining about another person saying, "I am tired of fooling with her. She is going to have to get her act together. I am tired of babying her."  I am not angry at this leader.  And I am trying really hard not to lose any respect for her. I realize that she is human and I don't know all the circumstances surrounding this person she was referring to. I know this person is human, but I still feel this let down.

Maybe I sound judgmental. I don't mean to be. Really, her statement made me look inside myself. I thought to myself, "Are you any better?"  And the honest answer I had to come up with was, "No." I thought about the comments I make. I thought about all the mean sarcasm I use about others, and how if they heard me, it could hurt them deeply. I thought about my own cruel remarks and jokes and how NOT funny it can be. I sit sometimes and I think about hurting people who may be so broken that they are on the verge of dying and I pass them by everyday. 

Where is love? If love is not in sex, the Foreigner songs, the fairytale romance movies with everlasting love endings, and if love is not even in church folks, WHERE IS LOVE?  Love is in God. Where is God then? God does not seem to be in me. I appear to be too self centered to love anybody but myself.  Writing this blog is hard because I am angry. I am angry at myself.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

7 X 70

I started today rereading a book I read last yr by John Bevere, entitled "The Bait of Satan." The book is about becoming offended, unforgiveness, and holding grudges. It is really a powerful book....if only I have ears to hear. I am reading this book and seriously trying to open my ears and heart to God once again. I have become blinded by pride and arrogance, and I know this. My heart condition is not really about what someone else did or did not do. It is about me, and the nasty person that God sees me becoming.

There was a point where I thought things were fine and I was not offended at anyone. I was over this. But, part of me fears that this last relationship did something irreparable in me. I feel such a coldness in me, that it is frightening. So, I am crying out to God for help. I can't get past this.

It is time to start over once again. I feel like Peter after Jesus asked the whole bunch if they wanted to leave too, and he replies, "Where else are we gonna go? Only You have the words of life." I feel so weak right now, that I am not sure that I can even utter, "Lord help my unbelief." But, I hope God can hear some part of me that can't communicate.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Daily Inspiration: NOT!

I downloaded a book today, called "100 quotations to make you think!"  The book is about optimism. Of course, I altered a few of the points to suit my mood. So here goes:

"The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that an optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true." ( I am not really sure what encouragement this has to offer. Hmmm)

"A Kiss is just a pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one." ( Ahem. I have a rebuttal to this. Obviously, the sappy person who wrote this complete falsehood, lived in some alternate version of reality other than this one.  Undoubtedly, Mr or Ms. Sappy, had never kissed a cheater, or they would not view two heads to be better than one. No. No. I beg to differ!  Whoever dreamed up this brilliant quote should have to take a lie detector test after being cheated on. This particular quote was the inspiration for my whole blog. )

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."  ( Okay, that sounds real nice and all, but tell that to the builders of the Titanic. I don't think they would agree with this optimism. )

"The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground!" ( Ahh. Now there is a quote I can live with. Perhaps there is hope after all. )

Monday, March 19, 2012

Another old Gem............

This is the joys that running into my cheating ass ex brings.  Does that sound very Christian of me? No! It does not. Ahh it is so good to be alone!

The Sound of Silence

I find this song to be utterly fascinating. I have always had a love for melancholy songs that most people would not like because they are too depressing. I am not sure my therapist would agree that it is beneficial for me to be sitting and listening to this over and over. But, I am moody today (as I have been every other day lately). Plus, she does not have my blog link and I am not about to cough that up anytime soon.

There is a silent seething taking place underneath my words. It disturbs me, really. I am angry. I will say again (because I can) I am angry. There. I said it. I don't feel a bit better. Whoever decided talk therapy was therapeutic? Well, I suppose this is type-therapy. But, I still don't feel a bit better. The most therapeutic thing to do when I am angry, is to find something to sabotage.  Unfortunately, self sabotage does not leave me feeling one bit better. There. Ahhh. I feel so much better having got that off my chest.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

One of my crazy stories

Disclaimer: This blog is in no way meant to offend: dog owners, cat owners, animal rights activists, police officers, dogs that can read, women, southerners, the illiterate, bloggers, loggers, blah, blah, blah.....Satan.......

There was a very unfortunate incident that took place here in Cleveland on Tuesday, a police officer had to shoot a ladies dog. It was a pit bull. Please, everyone hear my heart. I feel horribly sorry for this poor lady who owned this dog. I actually wrote another blog (before this one, about this mishap), just the other night, because I could not sleep. Let me explain why. I was sitting at my desk, in the living room, on Tuesday, and I heard a gun shot.  It was very loud.  I knew, from the sound, it was fairly close to my apartment.  I thought to myself, "I hope nobody is dead." Then, I thought, "That could not be funny, in this neighborhood. What if somebody IS dead?" And I went on about my business. I try not to nose into other people's affairs. But, in about 10 minutes, I heard this awful wailing and crying up on the hill. And, I said, "Yep. Somebodies dead. Not good. God is punishing me for thinking in sarcasm."

So, I finally got the nerve to stick my head out the door, to inquire of my neighbors, (who had witnessed the mishap) to see what was going on. All I saw, was a lady hysterical, a cop car, and a police officer. So the neighbor said the cop had to shoot the ladies dog. End of story. I ask what color the dog was because a pit bull had chased  me about a week earlier, here in my yard, and that was the end of the conversation. I went back inside and I mourned over this because I heard, and saw, this lady crying over her dog and I had really hard time getting her cries out of my mind. I wrote these whole two paragraphs just to prove that, yes, I have a heart and I am human. But, I am extremely sarcastic and irreverent and would never share my dark humor with this poor unfortunate lady, but listen up because I did not have the REST OF THE STORY....

 I finally ran into someone who actually knew why the cop shot the dog. I had no idea why, and have wondered for a few days now.  This made the news. The cop shot the dog because he leaped out at him and he tried to prevent it, but he had to. Plus, the cop was called because the dog, the size of a horse, had been running wild in the neighborhood and chasing people into their homes. Plus, the dog gone wild, was on a spree that particular day.  He apparently had the neighbor's cat for a snack earlier that day, was very aggressive, and scaring the neighbors. It was a huge uproar.

Sometimes, you just gotta wonder if this is a red neck thing. I'm sorry folks. Ya have a dog the size of a horse. It does not need a leash. It needs a stable. It has been running people into their houses and you are living door-to-door, next to other humans, who have more animals. That is not to mention, other humans, with small children.  It has been known to growl, snarl, lunge, and show its teeth, but of course, according to Bubba and Sally Sue, "Precious" wouldn't hurt a fly, and I quote: "He is perfectly harmless (to humans). He only harms other animals." (Fictitious names are used for the purpose of anonymity.)

WTH? "HE ONLY HARMS OTHER ANIMALS". Well, how silly of the ENTIRE neighborhood to find that statement......NOT AT ALL DISTURBING!!!  I mean, you wanna ask the questions, "Okay, for clarification sake, just what do you mean when you say:" 'He only harms other animals?' "Is he planning to graduate anytime soon......... say to humans? And what is he majoring in now? For instance, small gerbils, pet snakes, small or medium sized dogs, cats with or without fur? What about small to medium sized children, innocently, strolling through cross walks, wearing furry coats in the winter? Who is willing to read Precious' non-verbals to determine who he discerns to be human and who he finds to be animal?

"Precious just made the news on February 28th for eating his neighbor's cat. So, it is safe to say, that it is now public knowledge that cat's are already on his transcript. I suppose, Sally Sue, that Precious was having an identity crisis because that was NOT a very precious thing for him to do, now was it? Is he planning to get his cap and gown in May and move on from Sparky, to say, a goat? A mountain lion? A bear? Or does he plan to skip straight to graduate school and start contributing to the missing persons report of Bradley Co.?

Because frankly, Ms. Sally Sue, I would want to side with you--that Precious-- if not that he was wrongfully shot, could have become the neighborhood protector and not menace.  But, there is a huge problem with that theory. I never saw a mountain goat,  a lion, or a bear running amok in our neighborhood  for Precious to protect us from. Those animals were never spotted chasing frightened, panting, children and adults into their homes behind slamming doors! No. No. You see. Precious, was the only thing terrorizing the neighborhood.

"Next, Sally Sue, let's address your defense plea of Precious' innocence, in that you say, 'he growls, lunges,shows his teeth, snarls, as ways of lashing out to get attention.' "But, of course, Precious, wouldn't hurt a fly, except that he made the news, for eating his neighbor.  While it may be true, that Precious, is lashing out to get attention, I think it is safe to place human psychological traits upon your dog in this instance (DOG WHISPERER!!).  I think it is also safe to assume that growling and snarling are NOT signs of 'Please pet me.' No. No. I think the signs are quite clear. Just accuse me of having wild and crazing common sense. Let's throw caution to the wind here and assume that Precious is not properly communicating his need for affection in any language--dog, human, or alien! The dog is clearly portraying signs of,  'My name is not Precious. My name is Satan. Leave me the hell alone.'  Of course, I don't have a degree in dog whispering.

And what is it with the South and naming these animals "Precious" and feeding them raw meat and live chickens and teaching them to chew through metal?  See, I don't have a problem with the Satanists and Gothics who name their dogs Lucifer, Satan, Damion, Demonized or Demon 1 and Demon 2. No, you see, these dogs are clearly marked. These folks have "Beware of the Dog" signs plastered all over their windows. You are warned. It is the so-called normal people, who name their dogs Precious, or Peaches, or Sweetie Pie, and Honey that you should worry about because usually these are the ones that will maim you. They have teeth the size of metal fingernail files and they plan to use them. They look into your eyes and all they see is raw meat and you look into their eyes and all you see is Satan.

For Heaven sakes, when your dog pops out of the womb with a 666 birthmark, it was not accidental! It was an apocalyptic sign! Name your dog Satan. He is already hateful, possessed, and cursed.  He knows! You are the only one in denial! What? Are you trying to hide it from him? Spare his feelings? You cannot do anymore damage! You don't want to give him a personality complex? He already knows he has an anti social personality disorder! The name is what will warn the general public to leave him alone!  For the love of God, don't name a beast that chews through your used carburetors, that are lying on your kitchen table, "sweetie pie. Deep down you know your denial begins on Christmas when your Honey Buns, Sweetie Pies, and Apple Dumplings, run amok through the neighborhood, devouring nativity scenes, by chewing the heads off of all the baby Jesus'. This is early warning signs of later doggie psychopathic behavior.

The next time I walk into a "normal" person's home with a nasty doggie personality named "Precious" (probably a weenie dog small enough in size but can eat 50x its body weight),  I am going to look him in the eye and we are going to communicate. Eyeball to eyeball. Without a word being said, telepathically.  I am going to stare him down and say: "I can't wait til the FBI forensics raids this place and takes YOU, DOG, in for x-rays, and finds all the missing neighborhood animals. I know you. Precious. And your name is not Precious! Your name is Legion for you are many. Look me in the eye,  when I am talking to you telepathically, Satan! There is not a satanic cult in this neighborhood. There are no witches, on brooms, for miles, offering sacrifices...... YOU, Precious, have been eating the neighborhood! Look me in the eye boy, I say boy. I know what happened to Sparky. All that cop found was his tail because the rest of him was in YOU, PRECIOUS! YOU! YOUR NAME IS NOT PRECIOUS! SATAN!

I know you guys will think I am totally heartless. I am really not. I would embrace this lady if I knew her. I honestly felt sorry for her. But, I was sorta shocked at her callous response toward the havoc this dog reeked. I understand that she would be devastated about her dog, but he sorta ate her neighbor's cat. That was not very nice of him and not very nice that she is defending his erroneous behavior.  I found that somewhat ironic.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Spring, Crickets, and Creation is in the Air

Disclaimer: This blog is meant in jest only. It is not meant to be carried out or acted upon in any way, shape, or form. I have a few friends who read my blogs and I love you. So, this is not really meant for, if you are a stranger that means I don't know you, and I have just started charging 9.99 to read my blog. I thought that was a fair price for such an array of brilliance that is spread like a  huge pile of shimmering light. Don't be ridiculous. If you want shimmering light go here.

Why this blog? Because spring is in the air, and the reminders of last year still lingers. Has anyone ever thought of the mysteries of creation? Specifically, certain non-human creatures, that seems to serve only annoying functions?  Take crickets for example: One, or, two, of those maddening pests decided to set up a tent outside my doorstep last spring and summer. It, or, they, remained there for the entire duration.  I finally affectionately named the damn thing, and I did not call him Charlie! He chirped, and he chirped, and he chirped. 

Oh dear, I just thought of something. I hope this does not hurt my sensitive little friend, Christianne's, feelings, because I know that she really loves all creatures. She may read this, and diagnose me a hardened psychopath because I had it in for that cricket, to the point of complete annihilation.  If I had a hammer, I would have hammered in the morning, and in the evening, and hunted that thing down and smashed it. If I had a gas can, I would have set the side of the house on fire some days, and cried with a loud voice, "Burn baby, Burn!" Maybe I would have felt some guilt as I saw a couple of crispy, golden-brown, chirping, legs burst into flames, I don't know. They say that is signs of a sociopath, but that blasted cricket drove me insane. 

I fantasized, on a daily basis, of squashing that cricket's guts all over my sidewalk, while an angelic choir sang. In the background, I pictured, an angelic choir of crickets, with all their little chirping legs held together, chirping to the tune of the coca cola Christmas song, "I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony."  Blast you unified crickets! You don't want to teach the world to sing!  You want to drive humans, with already questionable sanity, insane.

 All my self-control was stripped from me, and that cricket was laughing uncontrollably while he was joyfully, chirpingly, driving me out of my mind, and from my own living room.  I wanted to end him, while his little devilish soul is welcomed into a cricket’s realm of a fiery hell. Satan, of course, would be there waiting, with glee, to crown “Charlie,” with a crown of glory—for chirping without ceasing—outside my door for an entire spring and summer. He, I am sure, would have received a golden crown, and a jewel for every curse word I murmured under my breath. Blast! You crickets! Cause me to sin against the Lord!

Not to worry dear, Christianne, I can explain the mystery of crickets because I was there beside Job, with God, during creation and here is the account of creation history on crickets: Well, before I get into the story of creation, let me sum this up, so you can rest. God made a mistake. He said, "picket", and out of His hat jumped a cricket. So, you see, He is fine if we stomp them. Trust me on this. They get on His nerves too. No problem. What was being picketed, you may ask?  Oh, that was the angels in heaven, before the foundation of the world, picketing Fred Phelps' church………..(I just could not help myself) because they actually get on His nerves worse than the crickets.  I would really love to say, that He is fine if we stomp him too, but of course, that would NOT be appropriate. 

Now, for the story of creation, God had a huge hat, and He had a big wand (It was a red and white striped candy cane, except it was not peppermint, it was cinnamon. He does not like the smell of peppermint. Jesus says that it stinks.) So, God waves this huge cinnamon candy cane over this hat, and the hat looked just like the one that cat in the hat wears………! What a coincidence. And then a rabbit popped out, and a big pink giraffe popped out, but God did not really like the color pink for a giraffe, so He laughed really loud at how silly that looked and He started over again. Then, a little bitty elephant the size of a raindrop popped out of God’s hat and He paused.......Now, when God paused all sorts of silly things started happening.  So, God and Adam laughed and played all afternoon in the garden with His weird looking hat and his cinnamon candy cane that made all sorts of pretty animals make funny noises.

Boy, my disclaimer could become longer than the blog itself. This blog is in no way meant to imply that the author is truly a psychopath. It was in jest. But, I can't promise I won't kill house flies. Okay, I will promise to first, try to make them leave the house without swatting them...........I watched The Bee Movie. However, when Bee's start talking to me, that could be a sign of psychosis and not a changed attitude about bugs. If crickets start talking to me........just call the paddy wagon!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

A Defense of the Dark Side of Me

I was going to write another crazy blog, but that will have to wait for maybe tomorrow. I spoke to my friend Nathan on the phone last night. He is so gifted at grounding me (not as in punishment), that would be a little weird since we are both adults and I am older than him. No, I mean, he keeps my feet on the ground, but, that of course, is usually after they have already traveled several thousand of miles above ground and become quite regulated at defying gravity, that he reels me back into reality.......way to go Nathan. This is all your fault! Couldn't you have told me all this........say.....20 days ago? But, since he never reads my blogs he doesn't catch my manic stage on time and look what happens? And he won't notice that insult. :) He never reads my blogs anymore because he hears me chatter on about whatever I am chattering on about.

So, during our enlightened conversation last night I mentioned these silly blogs that I have been writing to cope with stress and that my kind hearted friend Christianne sent me a concerned e-mail out of the blue about some of my blogs. And, of course, I have been communicating with my friend Terri some over e-mail and through blogging during some of this ordeal.  Now, guys, this blog is strictly because of Nathan's advice and coaching. So, if this blog further confirms my insanity???  He says, "Tammy, not everyone knows you like I do. They don't realize that you are just joking.  Some of the things you say could be alarming."  And, here I am, in my mind, thinking, "Nathan, Terri and Christianne know that I am only joking about all this mess. I am not serious about all this crap I am writing. I am doing this to cope with all the stress that I am under."

For the record, here is the scoop: my financial aid was denied this semester. So, that leaves me in a very destitute place, financially speaking. When I say destitute, I am not speaking lightly. So, the pressure of that has been so intense, that it has about drove me out of my mind. But, I am certainly not thinking of harming myself. What that has done, though, is open the door for past hurts to creep back in, and anger toward God to crop up, a lot of getting slammed emotionally, battling a lot of fears, and warring in my mind. So, the way I cope, is I laugh about it. Now, if only i could turn all that into making money, I would be doing fine. If I were some out-on-a-limb comedian, I would not be labeled a nut case. I would be rich and eccentric. Unfortunately, I am broke, and suppose bi-polar. Of course, I think  I have diagnosed one of my ex psychiatrists as bi-polar too. So, I am just as qualified to diagnose as the next gal.

I guess I should further explain, I did go to the crisis unit. Not because I was thinking of harming myself. I do realize that a lot of people do go there for that reason. But, one of the reasons I went was to get a medication change....which I must say, has worked out quite nicely because I have felt very buzzed since leaving the hospital. And that is NOT from over doses or taking more than prescribed or whatever. I am taking this just like I am supposed to. Nathan told me I should clarify that. I am being good. I am doing exactly as I am told, and if I were not, I have a very nosy, inquisitive, prying, spiritual mother that would be all up in my business (not to mention Nathan) if I were not.  So, when I write these insane blogs, I really have no intention to harm myself at all. I will tell you how you will know for certain. I am the type of person if I were going to off myself, I would just go do it. There would be no signs. I would not leave a paper trail. Much less a blog trail.

Now, to end this. Ha........I almost made a funny, but not really. Don't be ridiculous.  I did not really want to write this blog because I did not think that people were worrying.  In my mind, you guys know me. You know how I mouth off. But, to pacify Nathan, and because he gets me all worked up, I wrote this. But, I would like to, by faith, believe, my friends think I have some level of sanity. I mean, Terri, come on. Back me up here. You sent me an e-mail trying to make me see some sanity about myself. Come on. I hope you meant that. Right?

BTW Unless I get like, really bad feed back here, I probably won't stop my crazy rants for a while because they are really outlets for me. It is a release of bad energy somehow and I know that it is certainly not edifying, but eventually that warped side of Tammy does go away, but she still does exist. Do I have permission to rant?

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Beautiful Twisted Mind

The newness of the drug has not yet worn off and I must still be in a manic stage of some form of some mental illness. I don't really know the reason nor excuse for this blog. Maybe I should not even try to give one. However, I have learned to never voice the following words in a mental health facility: "I do not suffer from a mental illness. I only think I am  the Easter Bunny once a year, usually on Christmas Day and then the fog lifts and I am fine." Note to self: NEVER! under ANY circumstances EVER voice these words to a psychiatrist unless you plan to prolong your visit to the hospital. They do not think you were just kidding.  And if you follow  the Easter bunny comment up with, you thought you were Jesus once, til you saw your horns and tail come out, that could get you arrested!  Jesus has a sense of humor, but not mental health people.......go figure!

I almost feel compelled to defend my sanity after the last blog post. I don't intend to harm myself........with what? I don't even have any sharp objects to harm myself with. Am I gonna saw my arm off with a butter knife?  I guess if I were in a really sadistic mood I could ram my fingernail in a pencil sharpener.......that's just gross.  I have some spoons.......I could spoon myself to death! That sounds really melodramatic and it could end up on the nightly news: "Woman on Prozac, believes she is the Easter Bunny only on Christmas, Spoons herself to death on Valentines Day!"  Well, Dammit! Guess that suicide to-do list will have to be procrastinated til next yr. I missed a damn good opportunity though. I knew that procrastinating nature of mine would come in handy some day.

Everyone (especially my parents who do not even know I blog) can rest assured that I have no sharp objects, in which to endanger myself, or others. I hid those from myself yrs ago, right after that jail sentence for the first self stalking incident.  Don't be ridiculous.

Yes. My mind is really THIS twisted. I believe this is probably one if not the most twisted blogs I have ever written.

Monday, February 20, 2012

I crack myself up

Sometimes, I actually, really entertain myself. I just reread an email I sent to a friend the other day. I wrote this e-mail talking about my self sabotage tendencies. When i reread this I laughed so hard I cried because of the way I ended it: Here is the e-mail. I swear this e-mail looks like something i have seen on one of Ellen DeGeneres' Craig List jokes.

"I plot against myself. Yep. Just the other day, I stealthy laid in wait, with a knife craftily concealed behind my own back til I caught my own self off guard. I jumped out of no where from the midst of the darkness and threatened to take myself out. I sure did. I leaped from the bushes wearing a black ski mask and pair of black spandex, and in a gruff, serial-killer voice, said: "Where do you think you are going?" I darn near stalked myself for several days, til finally, I got the courage to send myself a criminally orchestrated death threat. It said something like: "I am going to drown you in the bathtub before turning on the bath water. All things are possible with the homicidally insane."  I am over here saying OMG, I better clarify. I am in no way thinking of self harm. At all. Really. I am just thinking about how twisted my life is. And how out of whack it gets. I get things straight for a while. Then bang. I slam my foot in the door once again. My life is so crazy that I am afraid to claim sanity at all anymore." 

Okay, folks, "I AM IN NO WAY THINKING OF SELF HARM. REALLY?" And what was your first clue? The knife craftily concealed behind ones back? Perhaps the black ski mask or the act of self stalking? In most states these are all psychological signs of mental wellness.

Don't wig out Terri. You know that was funny. This is hilarious and I did not even do this on purpose. So that makes it even more funny. It just is.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Drug Induced Blogpost

I have recently had a drug change and am feeling fairly buzzed.......thus the blog. Wow. If only my tongue could type, we would be in business. I am going to write a book called "the twisted mind" and this will be a blog entry. I am going to write here just whatever enters  my mind without trying to make it make much sense..........which means, like I normally write. Ha. That made me laugh. That was funny.

A psychiatrist (yes, isn't it obvious I need one?) took me off of a drug I have been on because I was not taking it as prescribed. Apparently, my therapist and psychiatrist are a bit uncomfortable with me practicing psychiatric medicine without a license. However, I keep trying to explain, that I am not uncomfortable with it at all.  I seem to be doing a fine job, and the fact that I ended up in the crisis unit is a small technicality. It was destiny and meant to be. It was there, that I have met the love of my life, and we will be married by some man who poses as a justice of the peace, but he also believes he is an alien, and he works for the CIA, and he is Elvis.
Anyway, it was not a major crisis. It was a minor crisis. So, there. I am not even in denial.  Honestly, on the plus side....I was not suicidal or that should count for something of my medicinal practice ehhh?

In 2004 my ex-fired psychiatrist tried to kill me with "the pill" because she had an authority complex and I had an authority problem called "a rebellious streak" and we were like oil and water. This doctor got mad because  I would not take something the way she prescribed it, and she put me on something else, supposedly less dangerous, and it liked to have killed me with suicidal thoughts..............that is a true story. That is the only time that has ever happened to me and I swear she was a voodoo witch doctor and she did that to me on purpose. I don't see her anymore. She-devil doctor. I know a devil sat on that woman's shoulder and said, "I dare you defy me. You nut case. No one will believe that I have poisoned you."
 On a further note, it is very obvious from this story, that I had no fault in this matter. Oh, how my innocence reeked!  It's not like I provoked her to wrath or anything? :) 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Drinking Poison

Nope. Not a suicide attempt. I am talking about unforgiveness. Which, could actually become a long-term suicide. Someone told me once that bitterness was like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. That is such a powerful example of how useless the fight is, to hold something against another person. It does not destroy them. It destroys us. It is very difficult to come to terms with the fact that we can never really satisfy that deep need to get even with someone we feel may have wronged us. So, the question becomes, "Where do I take my 'quest for vengeance'?"

There just is no where else to take our cries to, but to the lord.  There is an inexplicable yoke that comes with bitterness. It is a burden that can't be bore except upon the nails of the cross. In other words, the sins against me were already paid for by Jesus. Just as, my sins against Christ were also already paid for. That is a very simplistic answer to a very complex problem. I get that. But, eventually, it does boil down to the basic ingredient of love. How I go from point A (which is my anger) to point B (which is letting it go) I am not sure how that works day at a time.

I posted a song here, that could be viewed as a rather bitter break up tune. But, in some ways, it could be viewed as healing too. I see this as an adult woman, who has learned the hard way, how to play all grown up games.  In some ways, I think she is singing this song, not just to the person she was hurt by, but to the innocent child that she once was. This is only obvious in the video though. There is a real powerful place in the video where she is singing to a younger version of herself. I wonder what I would say to myself if I could push a rewind button and go back a few years? Would I believe myself when self says, "Don't go there! *** is gonna leave you for the first thing that walks by. Just keep on truckin. Ain't nothin real bout that thing you think your feelin."

Friday, February 10, 2012

Falling apart in Tennessee

Yeah. I'm still whining. This past month has been sheer torture for me (in my mind). The very moment I wake up, my first thought is: "Oh God, I am awake again." Truth is, I am just tired....of life..and right now I am mad at God that I am alive. For clarification, I want to stress the fact that I am NOT suicidal. I am not that far over the edge. I am just daily, finding living, the act of breathing, to be a chore. Maybe I am just being melodramatic--I am certainly not beyond that (being that I have such a die-hard optimistic outlook on life.)

I can't really disclose here all of the frustrations that have led to the depression that I feel. I have been under an extreme amount of stress the last month over situations that I have no control over. But, I felt like there was at least one mountain conquered in my life, and in no way would I even consider opening the door to that "sin" again. Actually, I know my inner-self well enough to know, without a doubt, I have not reconsidered my decision to never look back toward my ex s/o (as far as a relationship goes). That, of course, is final. But, anger, resentment, and bitterness is creeping into my mind coupled with a lot of loneliness. If I saw the person I am referring to here, I would not want to hook up. On the contrary, I would want to cuss them out! And in the long run, is that fact any better? Am I better for wishing the person would contract a venereal disease?  I would not have wished that if it were not for the lying and cheating.

I do not wish death on S/O. That is too simplistic. No. What I wish for them is complete misery and a sex life from hell that is filled with dissatisfaction, agony, and complete loathing for the oaf they are with. Would that make me happy? At the moment, yes it would make me incredibly happy. Does any of these thoughts make me the "good little Christian" that I wish to be? NO! NO! NO! I am certain that I should not be sitting around meditating on these types of things. But, here i am, wading through the muck. And I have not even mentioned the pressure that led to all of these thoughts. It seems that this last month, hell has bombarded my mind from all sorts of directions, and I am not doing well at snapping out of it. Okay, I will end my rant here.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Sleepless in Tennessee

I am sleepless. Stressed. Depressed. Discouraged. And, well, feel rather deserted, and abandoned by God. I have fought off saying those words for some time now. Mostly because, this me, does not know how to connect with the spiritual-high, me. I go through these phases where God is so real that He seems tangible. Then, I seem to slip back into some "spiritual twilight zone" where God seems no where to be found. During these dark times, my emotions seem to drift from being God-centered, to being "me centered."  In this zone, God becomes less-and-less real, and life, (as it spins out of control around me) becomes more-and-more real.

I want to say "all is well." But, right now, all does not feel well. The pressure of life has its icy-cold grip around my neck and it is squeezing the air out of my lungs. I find that if I do not pull away from God, my sense of being alone in this world fades down into a whisper and I barely hear that voice. But, that is not my typical response. I think, by nature, I pull away from God when I go through really painful things, maybe because it validates that sense of being all alone in my mind. That sounds very counterproductive doesn't it?  I can't seem to help it though. Something creeps into the back corridors of my mind. It is a lie that I can sometimes see, yet, not so much detect. I turn my anger and mistrust toward God, and I pull out an invisible sword and instantly, I am on-guard.

Does anybody watch x-men? Well, Wolverine, has a strong sense of smell. He can smell an enemy way before he can see them. The moment he smells an enemy, his claws come out. That, in a very strange analogy, is how I relate to God during difficult times. That sounds horrible! I get it. God is the one I should trust and run toward, right? I know. But, I can't seem to really get that in my messed up head. So, it seems that the devil wins his chess match with me by using the same ole trick that I still can't see through.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

where i am

 Sorry guys. My blogging is sorta on the back burner. I am under so much stress at the moment, it has been next to impossible to focus on anything except the things in front of me. It has nothing to do with relationship issues. Thank God. That is my normal crisis. But, in some ways, this feels a whole lot worse. I just don't have the momentum to blog right now. I am so overwhelmed that I don't even know what to say. Sorry.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

I borrowed this from Christianne

Will your grace run out
If I let you down
‘Cause all I know
Is how to run

‘Cause I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful

Will you call me child
When I tell you lies
Cause all I know
Is how to cry

I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful

You make it beautiful
You make it beautiful

This is absolutely one of the most powerful songs I have ever heard! 

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Gotta love that face

I can't help myself. He is just so cute.

All is Well

There is a story in the book of 2 kings 4 about the Shunammite's son who had died. This was the same son that Elisha the prophet had prophesied to her that she would conceive. He fell sick and died in her arms. She carries her son's body into the upper room, that herself, and her husband, had built for Elisha to sleep when he came through town.  She is asked twice if things are okay with her, knowing her son is dead, still, she says, "it is well," on two separate occasions.  She did not consult man with her plight. She waited until she reached God's prophet to pour out her complaint. In other words, she was holding her peace until she could touch God.

I have been in the midst of a raging storm for some time now. But, my God is faithful, and all is well.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Starting School

School starts tomorrow and honestly, the thought of it literally makes me want to vomit. This is a very unusual attitude for me because I am usually hyped up and ready to hit the books. I have come to love reading, and the thought of a learning new things leaves me cheerful. However, not this semester, and it is all because of a STUPID second part of an astronomy class that i have to take to graduate. I can't even stress how much I dread starting class tomorrow.

I am seriously considering skipping it and going on to Lee University. Lee does not even require me to take the second part. But, I am afraid that if I don't get that degree my parents are going to be disappointed, and all the professors who have supported me will be disappointed. I have about 10 professors that would give me excellent recommendations. I have a 3.96 GPA and it would have been a 4.0, but that is another story all together. That really chaffs my behind I can tell ya.

I have changed my major, once again, to Bible/Theology major. Yes, I know that probably sounds ridiculous, as much as I have cursed theology. But, my attitude has changed, and the only thing that seems to hold my attention are classes that I can find God in. I have come to love psychology, sociology, literature, world religions, history, and theology.

I HATE science, math, and trying to learn Spanish (no prejudice intended). I guess I am just stubborn because if I absolutely detest something, you can forget it, I am not going to fool with it. There is no such thing as me sucking it up and dealing with it. That will drive me to use some very foul language. However, I am going to have to suck it up over this Astronomy class, because I do not want to disappoint a bunch of people, but the kicker is, that I do run the risk of failing or crashing my GPA.

Last semester I took Astronomy and made an A. But, the professor was a moron, all of his tests were open book, you got 3 tries to take the dang test, he stopped even calling roll after the second class, and he really did not even notice if you were there, nor care. We did not even crack the book for the tests. That would have taken forever. So, 4 of us congregated and one would put A, one would put B, and so forth, until all the answers were used up and the the test spits out which ones you missed so we figured out who had the right answers and we all took the test again and everyone made a 100. But that professor retired last semester. It was his last. This semester will bite us in the butt if we get a real professor, who wants us to actually learn something. I can only hope that God descends with a booming voice from heaven saying, "Give Tammy an A."

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

An almost brush with death

I just had the most fearful but awesome experience, that beyond any doubt, proved the protection of God to me. My car has been acting crazy for months now. This has went wrong. That has went wrong. I have gotten so disgusted that I wanted to take it to the junk yard and park it. But, I have been driving it and ignoring the noise that it has been making lately. It started out with the steering wheel shaking, so I had a bad tire and put a new one on. Well, that was only a temporary fix.

It kept shaking, so i assumed that I had another bad tire. I got fed up, and just turned the radio up louder, ignored it, and hoped it would go away. I am a bit of a dare devil when it comes to mechanical issues. I ignore them until catastrophic events force me to fix the car. It really gripes me, because I see it as a waste of money and I grumble about all the other things that I could have spent the money on. Anyway, I kept driving the car, knowing something was wrong. Yesterday I drove it to my parents house and it is about an hours drive from where I live. It is a straight shot from Cleveland to where my parents live, so I set my cruise control on 55 and take off. I drove this two hour drive and when I got back to Cleveland my whole car was thumping (like I had a flat) and it was shaking wildly. I checked the car, no flat, but the car was still acting crazy. I finally make it home (not knowing if I was going to make it or not).

I got up this morning and drove the car once again to the college I am attending. I live about a 2 minute drive, and had to turn in some vital paper work by 4pm today, so I had no choice but to drive the car. Today, the car was acting insane. It sounded like the whole bottom of the car was going to fall out. When I pulled into the school parking lot, I looked at one of my tires and the wires were sticking out of the tire.  It was in horrible condition, and at this point I am scared to death I will not get home. Still, I get in the car to drive home........very slowly. After I get home, I asked my neighbor to help change the tire and when he took it off I was in total shock. Not only were the wires sticking out, but the whole inside of the tire was eaten up......there was hardly any tire left. The whole tire was whop sided, but you could not see how eaten up it was from the outside. I wish I could upload a photo so I could really let others see this. I was in total shock that I had not had a serious accident yesterday because of the rate of speed I was traveling.

I called my mom to tell her this story because I was convinced that God's protection was all over me. She says to me: "Tammy, it is so odd you are saying this. Yesterday, after you said you were coming, I had the weirdest feeling about it. I almost called you to tell you not to come, but I was afraid it might hurt your feelings. Do you not remember me telling you over and over to be careful?" She told me the thought bugged her all day until I got there. She did tell me over and over to be careful, which is unusual for my mom because it is usually my dad that worries about everything.

I did think it was strange how many times she stressed to me to be careful. Of course, I blew it off as mom being overprotective. This thing was really weird because the thought ran through my mind several times yesterday about having a wreck. I knew the car had been shaking and if a tire blew out, at the speed I was traveling, I knew it could be fatal. I kept having these inner flashes of me in a car accident, still I blew it off as me being paranoid. Even that did not deter me. I still went along my merry way. And today when I saw the awful condition of that tire, I cried. I said, "Oh God, no one would believe this, but I know you spared my life."

Saturday, January 7, 2012

As the deer pants for the waterbrooks...........

"When your dog loves you because it is dinner time, you are not sure of him; but when somebody else tempts him with a bone and he will not leave you, though just now struck him, then you feel that he is truly attached to you. When we may learn from dogs that true affection is not dependent upon what it is just now receiving."
Charles Haddon Spurgeon

I started seriously meditating on this quote and came to some conclusions. One sure way that the Lord knows that we love Him with our whole heart, is not by being exempt of temptation. On the contrary, it is when the devil throws the one thing we desire most in our lap, and Jesus says "No" and we choose to follow Him even when it is painful to do so. I look into the darkness of my soul and I don't see that I love Jesus this way.  But oh, to have a heart ablaze with this kind of love. Oh, to have such a passionate longing as to be betrothed to only one love. Oh, to possess such undivided affections as to yearn only to step inside the bridegrooms chamber. This heart would set the very heavens on fire. It's burning incense would supplicate the friendship of God, however who can stand before Him? For He is a fiercely jealous lover. All these thoughts haunt me as I look into the depravity of my heart.

Psalms 42:1 As the hart pants after the water brooks, so pants my soul after You, O God.  
Psalms 42:2 My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God: when shall I come and appear before God?

I like how the Message Bible words that second verse:
I'm thirsty for God-alive. I wonder, "Will I ever make it- arrive and drink in God's presence?"

I can relate to some of John Donne's words:
"Batter my heart, three-personed God, for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend   
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.

Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy:   
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again" 

Donne is crying for God to change him and divorce him from His enemy. Amen.