A Defense of the Dark Side of Me

I was going to write another crazy blog, but that will have to wait for maybe tomorrow. I spoke to my friend Nathan on the phone last night. He is so gifted at grounding me (not as in punishment), that would be a little weird since we are both adults and I am older than him. No, I mean, he keeps my feet on the ground, but, that of course, is usually after they have already traveled several thousand of miles above ground and become quite regulated at defying gravity, that he reels me back into reality.......way to go Nathan. This is all your fault! Couldn't you have told me all this........say.....20 days ago? But, since he never reads my blogs he doesn't catch my manic stage on time and look what happens? And he won't notice that insult. :) He never reads my blogs anymore because he hears me chatter on about whatever I am chattering on about.

So, during our enlightened conversation last night I mentioned these silly blogs that I have been writing to cope with stress and that my kind hearted friend Christianne sent me a concerned e-mail out of the blue about some of my blogs. And, of course, I have been communicating with my friend Terri some over e-mail and through blogging during some of this ordeal.  Now, guys, this blog is strictly because of Nathan's advice and coaching. So, if this blog further confirms my insanity???  He says, "Tammy, not everyone knows you like I do. They don't realize that you are just joking.  Some of the things you say could be alarming."  And, here I am, in my mind, thinking, "Nathan, Terri and Christianne know that I am only joking about all this mess. I am not serious about all this crap I am writing. I am doing this to cope with all the stress that I am under."

For the record, here is the scoop: my financial aid was denied this semester. So, that leaves me in a very destitute place, financially speaking. When I say destitute, I am not speaking lightly. So, the pressure of that has been so intense, that it has about drove me out of my mind. But, I am certainly not thinking of harming myself. What that has done, though, is open the door for past hurts to creep back in, and anger toward God to crop up, a lot of getting slammed emotionally, battling a lot of fears, and warring in my mind. So, the way I cope, is I laugh about it. Now, if only i could turn all that into making money, I would be doing fine. If I were some out-on-a-limb comedian, I would not be labeled a nut case. I would be rich and eccentric. Unfortunately, I am broke, and suppose bi-polar. Of course, I think  I have diagnosed one of my ex psychiatrists as bi-polar too. So, I am just as qualified to diagnose as the next gal.

I guess I should further explain, I did go to the crisis unit. Not because I was thinking of harming myself. I do realize that a lot of people do go there for that reason. But, one of the reasons I went was to get a medication change....which I must say, has worked out quite nicely because I have felt very buzzed since leaving the hospital. And that is NOT from over doses or taking more than prescribed or whatever. I am taking this just like I am supposed to. Nathan told me I should clarify that. I am being good. I am doing exactly as I am told, and if I were not, I have a very nosy, inquisitive, prying, spiritual mother that would be all up in my business (not to mention Nathan) if I were not.  So, when I write these insane blogs, I really have no intention to harm myself at all. I will tell you how you will know for certain. I am the type of person if I were going to off myself, I would just go do it. There would be no signs. I would not leave a paper trail. Much less a blog trail.

Now, to end this. Ha........I almost made a funny, but not really. Don't be ridiculous.  I did not really want to write this blog because I did not think that people were worrying.  In my mind, you guys know me. You know how I mouth off. But, to pacify Nathan, and because he gets me all worked up, I wrote this. But, I would like to, by faith, believe, my friends think I have some level of sanity. I mean, Terri, come on. Back me up here. You sent me an e-mail trying to make me see some sanity about myself. Come on. I hope you meant that. Right?

BTW Unless I get like, really bad feed back here, I probably won't stop my crazy rants for a while because they are really outlets for me. It is a release of bad energy somehow and I know that it is certainly not edifying, but eventually that warped side of Tammy does go away, but she still does exist. Do I have permission to rant?