Sleepless in Tennessee

I am sleepless. Stressed. Depressed. Discouraged. And, well, feel rather deserted, and abandoned by God. I have fought off saying those words for some time now. Mostly because, this me, does not know how to connect with the spiritual-high, me. I go through these phases where God is so real that He seems tangible. Then, I seem to slip back into some "spiritual twilight zone" where God seems no where to be found. During these dark times, my emotions seem to drift from being God-centered, to being "me centered."  In this zone, God becomes less-and-less real, and life, (as it spins out of control around me) becomes more-and-more real.

I want to say "all is well." But, right now, all does not feel well. The pressure of life has its icy-cold grip around my neck and it is squeezing the air out of my lungs. I find that if I do not pull away from God, my sense of being alone in this world fades down into a whisper and I barely hear that voice. But, that is not my typical response. I think, by nature, I pull away from God when I go through really painful things, maybe because it validates that sense of being all alone in my mind. That sounds very counterproductive doesn't it?  I can't seem to help it though. Something creeps into the back corridors of my mind. It is a lie that I can sometimes see, yet, not so much detect. I turn my anger and mistrust toward God, and I pull out an invisible sword and instantly, I am on-guard.

Does anybody watch x-men? Well, Wolverine, has a strong sense of smell. He can smell an enemy way before he can see them. The moment he smells an enemy, his claws come out. That, in a very strange analogy, is how I relate to God during difficult times. That sounds horrible! I get it. God is the one I should trust and run toward, right? I know. But, I can't seem to really get that in my messed up head. So, it seems that the devil wins his chess match with me by using the same ole trick that I still can't see through.

where i am

 Sorry guys. My blogging is sorta on the back burner. I am under so much stress at the moment, it has been next to impossible to focus on anything except the things in front of me. It has nothing to do with relationship issues. Thank God. That is my normal crisis. But, in some ways, this feels a whole lot worse. I just don't have the momentum to blog right now. I am so overwhelmed that I don't even know what to say. Sorry.

I borrowed this from Christianne

Will your grace run out
If I let you down
‘Cause all I know
Is how to run

‘Cause I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

Will you call me child
When I tell you lies
Cause all I know
Is how to cry

I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

Bridge:
You make it beautiful
You make it beautiful

This is absolutely one of the most powerful songs I have ever heard! 

Gotta love that face

I can't help myself. He is just so cute.

All is Well

There is a story in the book of 2 kings 4 about the Shunammite's son who had died. This was the same son that Elisha the prophet had prophesied to her that she would conceive. He fell sick and died in her arms. She carries her son's body into the upper room, that herself, and her husband, had built for Elisha to sleep when he came through town.  She is asked twice if things are okay with her, knowing her son is dead, still, she says, "it is well," on two separate occasions.  She did not consult man with her plight. She waited until she reached God's prophet to pour out her complaint. In other words, she was holding her peace until she could touch God.

I have been in the midst of a raging storm for some time now. But, my God is faithful, and all is well.

Starting School

 

School starts tomorrow and honestly, the thought of it literally makes me want to vomit. This is a very unusual attitude for me because I am usually hyped up and ready to hit the books. I have come to love reading, and the thought of a learning new things leaves me cheerful. However, not this semester, and it is all because of a STUPID second part of an astronomy class that i have to take to graduate. I can't even stress how much I dread starting class tomorrow.

I am seriously considering skipping it and going on to Lee University. Lee does not even require me to take the second part. But, I am afraid that if I don't get that degree my parents are going to be disappointed, and all the professors who have supported me will be disappointed. I have about 10 professors that would give me excellent recommendations. I have a 3.96 GPA and it would have been a 4.0, but that is another story all together. That really chaffs my behind I can tell ya.

I have changed my major, once again, to Bible/Theology major. Yes, I know that probably sounds ridiculous, as much as I have cursed theology. But, my attitude has changed, and the only thing that seems to hold my attention are classes that I can find God in. I have come to love psychology, sociology, literature, world religions, history, and theology.

I HATE science, math, and trying to learn Spanish (no prejudice intended). I guess I am just stubborn because if I absolutely detest something, you can forget it, I am not going to fool with it. There is no such thing as me sucking it up and dealing with it. That will drive me to use some very foul language. However, I am going to have to suck it up over this Astronomy class, because I do not want to disappoint a bunch of people, but the kicker is, that I do run the risk of failing or crashing my GPA.

Last semester I took Astronomy and made an A. But, the professor was a moron, all of his tests were open book, you got 3 tries to take the dang test, he stopped even calling roll after the second class, and he really did not even notice if you were there, nor care. We did not even crack the book for the tests. That would have taken forever. So, 4 of us congregated and one would put A, one would put B, and so forth, until all the answers were used up and the the test spits out which ones you missed so we figured out who had the right answers and we all took the test again and everyone made a 100. But that professor retired last semester. It was his last. This semester will bite us in the butt if we get a real professor, who wants us to actually learn something. I can only hope that God descends with a booming voice from heaven saying, "Give Tammy an A."

An almost brush with death

I just had the most fearful but awesome experience, that beyond any doubt, proved the protection of God to me. My car has been acting crazy for months now. This has went wrong. That has went wrong. I have gotten so disgusted that I wanted to take it to the junk yard and park it. But, I have been driving it and ignoring the noise that it has been making lately. It started out with the steering wheel shaking, so I had a bad tire and put a new one on. Well, that was only a temporary fix.

It kept shaking, so i assumed that I had another bad tire. I got fed up, and just turned the radio up louder, ignored it, and hoped it would go away. I am a bit of a dare devil when it comes to mechanical issues. I ignore them until catastrophic events force me to fix the car. It really gripes me, because I see it as a waste of money and I grumble about all the other things that I could have spent the money on. Anyway, I kept driving the car, knowing something was wrong. Yesterday I drove it to my parents house and it is about an hours drive from where I live. It is a straight shot from Cleveland to where my parents live, so I set my cruise control on 55 and take off. I drove this two hour drive and when I got back to Cleveland my whole car was thumping (like I had a flat) and it was shaking wildly. I checked the car, no flat, but the car was still acting crazy. I finally make it home (not knowing if I was going to make it or not).

I got up this morning and drove the car once again to the college I am attending. I live about a 2 minute drive, and had to turn in some vital paper work by 4pm today, so I had no choice but to drive the car. Today, the car was acting insane. It sounded like the whole bottom of the car was going to fall out. When I pulled into the school parking lot, I looked at one of my tires and the wires were sticking out of the tire.  It was in horrible condition, and at this point I am scared to death I will not get home. Still, I get in the car to drive home........very slowly. After I get home, I asked my neighbor to help change the tire and when he took it off I was in total shock. Not only were the wires sticking out, but the whole inside of the tire was eaten up......there was hardly any tire left. The whole tire was whop sided, but you could not see how eaten up it was from the outside. I wish I could upload a photo so I could really let others see this. I was in total shock that I had not had a serious accident yesterday because of the rate of speed I was traveling.

I called my mom to tell her this story because I was convinced that God's protection was all over me. She says to me: "Tammy, it is so odd you are saying this. Yesterday, after you said you were coming, I had the weirdest feeling about it. I almost called you to tell you not to come, but I was afraid it might hurt your feelings. Do you not remember me telling you over and over to be careful?" She told me the thought bugged her all day until I got there. She did tell me over and over to be careful, which is unusual for my mom because it is usually my dad that worries about everything.

I did think it was strange how many times she stressed to me to be careful. Of course, I blew it off as mom being overprotective. This thing was really weird because the thought ran through my mind several times yesterday about having a wreck. I knew the car had been shaking and if a tire blew out, at the speed I was traveling, I knew it could be fatal. I kept having these inner flashes of me in a car accident, still I blew it off as me being paranoid. Even that did not deter me. I still went along my merry way. And today when I saw the awful condition of that tire, I cried. I said, "Oh God, no one would believe this, but I know you spared my life."

As the deer pants for the waterbrooks...........

"When your dog loves you because it is dinner time, you are not sure of him; but when somebody else tempts him with a bone and he will not leave you, though just now struck him, then you feel that he is truly attached to you. When we may learn from dogs that true affection is not dependent upon what it is just now receiving."
Charles Haddon Spurgeon

I started seriously meditating on this quote and came to some conclusions. One sure way that the Lord knows that we love Him with our whole heart, is not by being exempt of temptation. On the contrary, it is when the devil throws the one thing we desire most in our lap, and Jesus says "No" and we choose to follow Him even when it is painful to do so. I look into the darkness of my soul and I don't see that I love Jesus this way.  But oh, to have a heart ablaze with this kind of love. Oh, to have such a passionate longing as to be betrothed to only one love. Oh, to possess such undivided affections as to yearn only to step inside the bridegrooms chamber. This heart would set the very heavens on fire. It's burning incense would supplicate the friendship of God, however who can stand before Him? For He is a fiercely jealous lover. All these thoughts haunt me as I look into the depravity of my heart.

Psalms 42:1 As the hart pants after the water brooks, so pants my soul after You, O God.  
Psalms 42:2 My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God: when shall I come and appear before God?

I like how the Message Bible words that second verse:
I'm thirsty for God-alive. I wonder, "Will I ever make it- arrive and drink in God's presence?"

I can relate to some of John Donne's words:
"Batter my heart, three-personed God, for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend   
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.


Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy:   
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again" 

Donne is crying for God to change him and divorce him from His enemy. Amen.