MIA

Hey Yall. I am gonna be MIA for a few days. I will emerge next week.

Sweet Holy Spirit

The Bible it tells us in God's word so true
The sweet Holy Spirit is promised to you
It sat upon Jesus in the form of a dove
When John was baptizing God's Dearly Beloved

(chorus)
Sweet Holy Spirit I'm down on my knees
I am low in the valley, I am so weak you see
I know I can make it for I trust in thee
The sweet Holy Spirit is falling on me

Sweet Holy Spirit, Oh how I love thee
For being a comfort so many times
And for strengthening me
For I could not make it across life's troubled sea
If the sweet Holy Spirit should ever leave me

So sweet Holy Spirit, don't ever leave me

Here are the words to a song i really like to listen to. I did not post it from you tube because my blogging buddies would prob not like the tune.  It is a very country sounding song, but man the words.  When I listen to this song I melt.  There is just nothing that this life has to offer that can compare to the fellowship of God's holy spirit.  There is something so salty about the taste of Jesus that creates a thirst that cannot be quenched except by Him alone.  I wonder what life looks like, tastes like, to truly be in love with Jesus? I wonder what the chaste heart looks like, one purged of all of the Master's rivals?

John Donne has a beautiful quote in the Holy Sonnets. This was not a love poem. This was a mighty prayer directed toward God:

'Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me."

The Grinch did not steal Christmas

Christmas is over and I did go home to my mom and dad's.  I am so glad that I took the advice of a friend and did not become a bah hum bug. I learned a valuable lesson this year that will stick with me forever. Life is not about me. It is about others. The others I am referring to is my parents. I have found that I may never gain whatever it is I am searching for from them.......approval, or whatever the case may be.  But the neat thing is, that I am learning to step out of my own neediness so I can truly love. Love is not about having all my right conditions met, then I will love. It is about not having those conditions and still choosing to love. Love is not prideful. It does not say, "I will love you when you treat me right."

This sort of love is risky because it is a stone cold fact, at some point, I will get hurt. But, I am finding that it is worth the sacrifice. One of my fondest Christmas memories is the yr my dad and I decorated a Grinch gingerbread house together. This was not a childhood memory. I was probably close to 30 that Christmas. But, it is one of the most treasured memories I have of my dad and I. I will never forget it. I have decided that next yr I am not putting up my tree at my house I am taking all my decorations to my parents and decorate their house for Christmas. I only hope that everyone is still in good health for that to happen. Somehow this Christmas was different. I learned a little more about love.

Merry Christmas Yall

I am sitting here tonight meditating on Christ, God's gift to the world.  God was actually the first St. Nick. He did not just wrap a toy train or a barbie doll. Jesus, wrapped in swaddling clothes, was God's gift-wrapped package to this world. I am also thinking about how blessed I am to have Jesus in my life. I am also reminiscing about other people that God has sent into my life. I see faces in my prayers. They are beautiful brushstrokes, when comprised together, become a heavenly work of art--the lovely face of Jesus. I am seeing flashes of my blogging friends, friends that I have met at church, my parents, and people I knew yrs ago (before I met Christ).  These people are all beautiful to me and have touched my life in ways that words cannot describe. The greatest gifts in this world truly have nothing to do with money. They are people who have shared their true selves with me. God has given me the privilege to catch glimpses into how extravagant His love is. God has no monetary gifts to bring, but He gives treasures unspeakable that paint eternity into our hearts. God Bless you all..........(my blogging buddies). Merry Christmas. I am so grateful that I know you all.  You are jewels in the crown of Christ.

The Misconceptions of Love

English literature has managed to win a place within my heart. I have developed a love affair with Beowolf, Paradise Lost, and several writings by Shakespeare, John Donne, John Milton, and Edmund Spenser. I am going to use these next few days while school is out to read parts of my English Lit book that was not covered in class........so, yeah, I am a total nerd.

There is a sonnet by Shakespeare that is so full of wisdom that I fell in love with the truth and wisdom that it holds. I wrote an essay on this sonnet for extra credit in my Lit class. Here goes:

Shakespeare Sonnet 138:

When my love swears that she is made of truth,
I do believe her, though I know she lies,
That she might think me some untutored youth [like a simpleton],
Unlearned in the world's false subtleties.
Thus vainly thinking that she thinks me young,
Although she knows my days are past the best,
Simply I credit her false-speaking tongue:
On both sides thus is simple truth suppressed.
But wherefore says she not she is unjust [unfaithful]?
But wherefore say not I that I am old?
Oh, love's best [guise] is in seeming trust,
And age in love loves not to have years told.
    Therefore I lie with her and she with me,
    And in our faults by lies we flattered be.

I wrote a whole essay on this and probably could have wrote a short book on it. It is a bitter sonnet about a man who stays with his wife knowing that she is being unfaithful to him.  Apparently he is a lot older than this woman and he feels the bitter insecurity of it because he knows that she is cheating on him probably with younger men. But, we see here that he is humoring her by pretending he does not know who she really is. He turns a blind eye to her unfaithfulness. Those last two lines are priceless: "Therefore I lie with her and she with me, and in our faults by lies we flattered be."  That is a powerful statement and a hard way to live.

There is a devastating healing (I know that sounds twisted) that comes from waking up next to someone you thought was your dream come true only to find out that it was a nightmare. Shakespeare summed it up by saying that they were only pretending with each other. There is a wonderful freedom that comes from seeing the truth about yourself and someone else when you know deep down that you are out of God's will. It hurts. It crushes, but in the end it heals.

Toxic Love Part 2

This blog has been put off now forever. Different things have come up. My last blog on this subject was about Angular fish and their bizarre mating ritual. It was a very good analogy on how destructive codependency can really be. I have learned a whole lot about myself just in the last year.

First, I faced a bitter betrayal from someone I loved....or at least thought I loved anyway. God gave me a whole lot of grace to help me see me instead of blaming the whole thing on my ex. It was a defining moment in my life. It was my epiphany. I am actually very grateful for the fact that the person cheated on me (That sounds absurd. I know). I am grateful for a couple of  reasons: One, it removed the person from my life. Two, it made me take a really long, hard look at myself and what I am really capable of doing without the mercy of God.

I found out, despite my deep-rooted Christian beliefs, I might possibly have the ability to kill someone when pushed too far. It would have to be in a blind rage not a premeditated thing. When I found out that someone I trusted had been lying to me, I cannot describe the rage that I felt. This is one strong indication to me that God was really with me.....because  I did not become physically violent. However, I did cuss this person out several times without much remorse. I said some really ruthless things and to be 100% honest, there are still days  when anger rises up in me and I still don't feel bad about the things I said at all. My deepest regret, in the beginning, was that I was not ruthless enough and wish had been even more cutting.

I think about Jesus and what He endured with Judas. Right before Judas betrayed Christ (with a kiss no less), Jesus washed his feet. Has anyone ever thought about that? The disciples all partook of the Lord's supper, where Jesus took a towel and washed all of the disciples feet, including Judas. John 13 lays out in chronological order the events that led up to Jesus' crucifixion. First Jesus washed the disciples feet and then they partook of the Lords supper. John even explains that "by the time of supper the Devil had already put it into the heart of Judas to betray Him."

Later, when Jesus and the disciples were leaving Gethsemane Judas came greeting him with a kiss. And right up til the bitter end Jesus says to Judas, "Friend, why have you come?" Jesus was not blind at all about why Judas came, but he still greeted him as "Friend." This is such a powerful example of love that surpasses all understanding.......a love which I just don't have at the moment.

I can relate to Jesus a lot here because the person I was with "betrayed me with a kiss." One of the most intimate times that we had ever experienced together took place 1 week before I found out there was someone else in the picture and I have no idea how long it had been going on. I know that I am writing this in the voice of a victim and in some ways I felt that way. But, ...... I was hardly the victim. And believe me God is letting me know this day by day. He is shining the light on me, my own sin, and my own evil, self centered heart. This is where the change in my life is coming from.....stopping the blame game! I'm trying to see the love of Christ in this mess and embrace His mercy, not just for myself, but for those "someone's" in my life that I don't feel deserve it. That is what God's mercy is all about........it's free. I did not earn the mercy that God has extended to me, and He has extended a WHOLE LOT OF MERCY!

Recovery

Some of you may or may not know what these chips represent. I will explain. I am in a 12 step recovery program at a local church called Celebrate Recovery. This program works with people who struggle with addictions of all kinds. The group I attend is for co-dependency. These chips represent how many days I have been "sober" of addiction. I am celebrating 6 months clean. With every day that passes I am finding out that I don't want the person that I am avoiding back again. This, for me, is a huge victory because it is amazing what kind of betrayal that I learned to put up with just to hold on to some form of "love." This type of "love" is toxic. It masqueraded as love, until the blinders of naivety were removed and I began to see the truth. 

God is beginning day by day to shed the truth onto every lie that I have believed. I don't feel shackled to anyone. I am not bound by loneliness and grief over missing someone that did not really love me. I am finding myself complete in God and not in a desperate frenzy to have someone's "love." I am almost in shock that I am happy. Or maybe the real word here would be peaceful. Lately, I am drinking in the peace of God that more than replaces a toxic counterfeit. God's love is solid. It is not fickle. He does not love you one day and cheat the next. He is faithful.....even when we are unfaithful.  I am trying to grasp this beautiful concept of fidelity from Him, so I can offer it back to Him.

The Blogworld Address

Laptop....Down....Internet Connection....NO!.....Blogging.....Can't....Going into DT'S.....Yes.....Need New Support Group....Possibly......In Library.......Agoraphobic.......
Hello. My name is Tammy. I am addicted to being addicted to anything addictive because I am a sinful idolator have an addictive personality disorder.

Beelzebub

Well, it's official.  Nathan has affectionately nicknamed my laptop Beelzebub.  I have been telling him for 2 months now that if he does not hear from me over a few day period that he should send the police to look for my body because most likely my laptop has risen in the middle of the night and slew me. I will be found strangled with a mouse cord dangling from my neck. My laptop works when it feels like it and it does crazy things like: wipe out all my files, then turns around and spits them all back out again and says something like: "Ha just kidding. I just wanted to see you enter into heart failure, and before you turn blue see if I can resuscitate you again using my superior intellect, electronic wizardry, and CPR savvy only to do the same thing again the next day and the next day. Hmmm my neighbor has a weiner dog and it's first name it about to become O-S-C-A-R, and its last name is about to become M-A-Y-E-R. I am drawing a cartoon in my mind and here are the components:
One possessed laptop that has been diagnosed as bi-polar with homicidal tendencies + one demonized attack wiener dog = a few packages of Oscar Mayer hotdogs.

Have you ever seen cons fuss over their dogs?  I mean the other day there was this lady (with questionable character) on the road side "need food for my kids and electric bill money" and she is holding her wiener dog which is wearing a 40 dollar Izod sweater and a pair of Levis. Now folks I am slow on the uptake when it comes to people, but I have learned that not everyone is honest. So, I got a bit cynical at the raspy voice and alcohol breath. But it was that Cuban Cigar that really sent up a red flag.
"Lady, you don't have money to feed your kids, you are not buying soap or toothpaste (which is obvious) but your dog is wearing designer clothing and you reek the smell of Jack Daniels?......But, let me see if I have some money to buy your kids some food. What do they like to eat? .........Purina Chow? Lady I don't think that is healthy for your children. Maybe you should consider seeing a nutritionist. Hey! Wait just a minute!"

"Really lady? I didn't just fall off the cabbage truck ya know. How dumb do I look? ..........Okay, how much is your electric bill? 500 DOLLARS? Well, I probably shouldn't give you cash.  Maybe I should make it out to the electric company........ You need me to make it out to Big Daddy's Pimp Service? Okay, lady I have had it with your sob story, even I know that you are trying to rip me off.................Okay. Maybe just once but after that you are gonna need to get a job. You have a job? You've been skimping from Big Daddy's Pimp Service and you are a hooker?..........Okay lady I can't support hookers so you'll have to find another sucker. What do you mean you have found one already? Hey! That's my purse!

Moral of the story: Never trust your laptop while you are sleeping and never ever trust women with wiener dogs!

Okay folks............THAT was totally off script!

My heart is torn

 I am still searching to find a balance in my blogging space of what is appropriate and what is not. Sometimes that is a real challenge for me because I am trying to make some very conscious, purposeful steps toward God and away from so much negativity and over the top humor. I am unsure if this is the place to pour out certain parts of myself, but life has got the better of me today. I am pretty stressed out and not so optimistic.

There is much going on within my family and there has been a storm brewing all around me for sometime now. I am by nature a chronic worrier. I sit and worry about everything. I probably worry about things that a lot of people would consider to be totally absurd, still, for me it is like an addiction. If I wake up in the morning without an instant sense of foreboding (over something, anything) I will immediately begin to break out into hives until I quickly find something to be obsessively worried about.

But, tonight I can put a name to my fear. My greatest fear for several yrs now has been facing my parents death. It makes me miserable at the thought. My mother has a serious prescription drug addiction and has been hospitalized 3 or 4 times in the last few years with a drug overdose. Whether it is accidental or purposeful is undetermined.  On top of this, my mother has major health issues and this last year I have watched her age more rapidly than ever. I am seeing her become more and more helpless and feeble and it rips me apart inside. I have seen the same thing from my dad, he is several yrs older than my mother and life is wearing him down. My mom's condition is wearing him down. I am watching the only things I have in this world slip away from me little by little, day by day. Sickness and time is stealing them and tonight I am just overwhelmed with grief.

Mom recently fell again.  there have been countless incidents of her falling. This entails a 911 call every  time she falls because Daddy does not have the strength to pick her up anymore. She just had surgery on her shoulder from a recent fall and she called me tonight to tell me she has fallen again and thought she broke her hip. I felt my heart sink. She then goes on to tell me that she thinks dad has had a stroke and refuses to go to the doctor. I became more sick and my stomach and mind is in knots.

I feel completely helpless. I have offered to move there and take care of them, but mom refuses. She does not want to live with anyone. And frankly the idea is not so pleasant to me either because my mother is so cantankerous at times, but my heart hurts each time I see them in this condition. It rips me apart and I can't do anything about it.  I have been going to Ga every week to take care of their bills and things that they will allow me to do. To see the two people that have always been strong in my eyes become more and more week is rending. I am racked with guilt and frequently become overwhelmed with so many regrets. I can think back to the days when mom looked alive, but now I see a shell of a person and I weep. I don't know where else to go but to Jesus. Tonight I think the scripture "Store up for yourselves treasures in heaven" means a lot to me. I have to give the things I love to Jesus because ultimately they don't belong to me.......they are only borrowed. This blog is probably full of typos but I don't have the energy to check it.