Saturday, March 3, 2012

One of my crazy stories

Disclaimer: This blog is in no way meant to offend: dog owners, cat owners, animal rights activists, police officers, dogs that can read, women, southerners, the illiterate, bloggers, loggers, blah, blah, blah.....Satan.......

There was a very unfortunate incident that took place here in Cleveland on Tuesday, a police officer had to shoot a ladies dog. It was a pit bull. Please, everyone hear my heart. I feel horribly sorry for this poor lady who owned this dog. I actually wrote another blog (before this one, about this mishap), just the other night, because I could not sleep. Let me explain why. I was sitting at my desk, in the living room, on Tuesday, and I heard a gun shot.  It was very loud.  I knew, from the sound, it was fairly close to my apartment.  I thought to myself, "I hope nobody is dead." Then, I thought, "That could not be funny, in this neighborhood. What if somebody IS dead?" And I went on about my business. I try not to nose into other people's affairs. But, in about 10 minutes, I heard this awful wailing and crying up on the hill. And, I said, "Yep. Somebodies dead. Not good. God is punishing me for thinking in sarcasm."

So, I finally got the nerve to stick my head out the door, to inquire of my neighbors, (who had witnessed the mishap) to see what was going on. All I saw, was a lady hysterical, a cop car, and a police officer. So the neighbor said the cop had to shoot the ladies dog. End of story. I ask what color the dog was because a pit bull had chased  me about a week earlier, here in my yard, and that was the end of the conversation. I went back inside and I mourned over this because I heard, and saw, this lady crying over her dog and I had really hard time getting her cries out of my mind. I wrote these whole two paragraphs just to prove that, yes, I have a heart and I am human. But, I am extremely sarcastic and irreverent and would never share my dark humor with this poor unfortunate lady, but listen up because I did not have the REST OF THE STORY....

 I finally ran into someone who actually knew why the cop shot the dog. I had no idea why, and have wondered for a few days now.  This made the news. The cop shot the dog because he leaped out at him and he tried to prevent it, but he had to. Plus, the cop was called because the dog, the size of a horse, had been running wild in the neighborhood and chasing people into their homes. Plus, the dog gone wild, was on a spree that particular day.  He apparently had the neighbor's cat for a snack earlier that day, was very aggressive, and scaring the neighbors. It was a huge uproar.

Sometimes, you just gotta wonder if this is a red neck thing. I'm sorry folks. Ya have a dog the size of a horse. It does not need a leash. It needs a stable. It has been running people into their houses and you are living door-to-door, next to other humans, who have more animals. That is not to mention, other humans, with small children.  It has been known to growl, snarl, lunge, and show its teeth, but of course, according to Bubba and Sally Sue, "Precious" wouldn't hurt a fly, and I quote: "He is perfectly harmless (to humans). He only harms other animals." (Fictitious names are used for the purpose of anonymity.)

WTH? "HE ONLY HARMS OTHER ANIMALS". Well, how silly of the ENTIRE neighborhood to find that statement......NOT AT ALL DISTURBING!!!  I mean, you wanna ask the questions, "Okay, for clarification sake, just what do you mean when you say:" 'He only harms other animals?' "Is he planning to graduate anytime soon......... say to humans? And what is he majoring in now? For instance, small gerbils, pet snakes, small or medium sized dogs, cats with or without fur? What about small to medium sized children, innocently, strolling through cross walks, wearing furry coats in the winter? Who is willing to read Precious' non-verbals to determine who he discerns to be human and who he finds to be animal?

"Precious just made the news on February 28th for eating his neighbor's cat. So, it is safe to say, that it is now public knowledge that cat's are already on his transcript. I suppose, Sally Sue, that Precious was having an identity crisis because that was NOT a very precious thing for him to do, now was it? Is he planning to get his cap and gown in May and move on from Sparky, to say, a goat? A mountain lion? A bear? Or does he plan to skip straight to graduate school and start contributing to the missing persons report of Bradley Co.?

Because frankly, Ms. Sally Sue, I would want to side with you--that Precious-- if not that he was wrongfully shot, could have become the neighborhood protector and not menace.  But, there is a huge problem with that theory. I never saw a mountain goat,  a lion, or a bear running amok in our neighborhood  for Precious to protect us from. Those animals were never spotted chasing frightened, panting, children and adults into their homes behind slamming doors! No. No. You see. Precious, was the only thing terrorizing the neighborhood.

"Next, Sally Sue, let's address your defense plea of Precious' innocence, in that you say, 'he growls, lunges,shows his teeth, snarls, as ways of lashing out to get attention.' "But, of course, Precious, wouldn't hurt a fly, except that he made the news, for eating his neighbor.  While it may be true, that Precious, is lashing out to get attention, I think it is safe to place human psychological traits upon your dog in this instance (DOG WHISPERER!!).  I think it is also safe to assume that growling and snarling are NOT signs of 'Please pet me.' No. No. I think the signs are quite clear. Just accuse me of having wild and crazing common sense. Let's throw caution to the wind here and assume that Precious is not properly communicating his need for affection in any language--dog, human, or alien! The dog is clearly portraying signs of,  'My name is not Precious. My name is Satan. Leave me the hell alone.'  Of course, I don't have a degree in dog whispering.

And what is it with the South and naming these animals "Precious" and feeding them raw meat and live chickens and teaching them to chew through metal?  See, I don't have a problem with the Satanists and Gothics who name their dogs Lucifer, Satan, Damion, Demonized or Demon 1 and Demon 2. No, you see, these dogs are clearly marked. These folks have "Beware of the Dog" signs plastered all over their windows. You are warned. It is the so-called normal people, who name their dogs Precious, or Peaches, or Sweetie Pie, and Honey that you should worry about because usually these are the ones that will maim you. They have teeth the size of metal fingernail files and they plan to use them. They look into your eyes and all they see is raw meat and you look into their eyes and all you see is Satan.

For Heaven sakes, when your dog pops out of the womb with a 666 birthmark, it was not accidental! It was an apocalyptic sign! Name your dog Satan. He is already hateful, possessed, and cursed.  He knows! You are the only one in denial! What? Are you trying to hide it from him? Spare his feelings? You cannot do anymore damage! You don't want to give him a personality complex? He already knows he has an anti social personality disorder! The name is what will warn the general public to leave him alone!  For the love of God, don't name a beast that chews through your used carburetors, that are lying on your kitchen table, "sweetie pie. Deep down you know your denial begins on Christmas when your Honey Buns, Sweetie Pies, and Apple Dumplings, run amok through the neighborhood, devouring nativity scenes, by chewing the heads off of all the baby Jesus'. This is early warning signs of later doggie psychopathic behavior.

The next time I walk into a "normal" person's home with a nasty doggie personality named "Precious" (probably a weenie dog small enough in size but can eat 50x its body weight),  I am going to look him in the eye and we are going to communicate. Eyeball to eyeball. Without a word being said, telepathically.  I am going to stare him down and say: "I can't wait til the FBI forensics raids this place and takes YOU, DOG, in for x-rays, and finds all the missing neighborhood animals. I know you. Precious. And your name is not Precious! Your name is Legion for you are many. Look me in the eye,  when I am talking to you telepathically, Satan! There is not a satanic cult in this neighborhood. There are no witches, on brooms, for miles, offering sacrifices...... YOU, Precious, have been eating the neighborhood! Look me in the eye boy, I say boy. I know what happened to Sparky. All that cop found was his tail because the rest of him was in YOU, PRECIOUS! YOU! YOUR NAME IS NOT PRECIOUS! SATAN!

I know you guys will think I am totally heartless. I am really not. I would embrace this lady if I knew her. I honestly felt sorry for her. But, I was sorta shocked at her callous response toward the havoc this dog reeked. I understand that she would be devastated about her dog, but he sorta ate her neighbor's cat. That was not very nice of him and not very nice that she is defending his erroneous behavior.  I found that somewhat ironic.

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