Spring, Crickets, and Creation is in the Air

Disclaimer: This blog is meant in jest only. It is not meant to be carried out or acted upon in any way, shape, or form. I have a few friends who read my blogs and I love you. So, this is not really meant for you......so, if you are a stranger that means I don't know you, and I have just started charging 9.99 to read my blog. I thought that was a fair price for such an array of brilliance that is spread like a  huge pile of shimmering light. Don't be ridiculous. If you want shimmering light go here.

Why this blog? Because spring is in the air, and the reminders of last year still lingers. Has anyone ever thought of the mysteries of creation? Specifically, certain non-human creatures, that seems to serve only annoying functions?  Take crickets for example: One, or, two, of those maddening pests decided to set up a tent outside my doorstep last spring and summer. It, or, they, remained there for the entire duration.  I finally affectionately named the damn thing, and I did not call him Charlie! He chirped, and he chirped, and he chirped. 

Oh dear, I just thought of something. I hope this does not hurt my sensitive little friend, Christianne's, feelings, because I know that she really loves all creatures. She may read this, and diagnose me a hardened psychopath because I had it in for that cricket, to the point of complete annihilation.  If I had a hammer, I would have hammered in the morning, and in the evening, and hunted that thing down and smashed it. If I had a gas can, I would have set the side of the house on fire some days, and cried with a loud voice, "Burn baby, Burn!" Maybe I would have felt some guilt as I saw a couple of crispy, golden-brown, chirping, legs burst into flames, I don't know. They say that is signs of a sociopath, but that blasted cricket drove me insane. 

I fantasized, on a daily basis, of squashing that cricket's guts all over my sidewalk, while an angelic choir sang. In the background, I pictured, an angelic choir of crickets, with all their little chirping legs held together, chirping to the tune of the coca cola Christmas song, "I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony."  Blast you unified crickets! You don't want to teach the world to sing!  You want to drive humans, with already questionable sanity, insane.

 All my self-control was stripped from me, and that cricket was laughing uncontrollably while he was joyfully, chirpingly, driving me out of my mind, and from my own living room.  I wanted to end him, while his little devilish soul is welcomed into a cricket’s realm of a fiery hell. Satan, of course, would be there waiting, with glee, to crown “Charlie,” with a crown of glory—for chirping without ceasing—outside my door for an entire spring and summer. He, I am sure, would have received a golden crown, and a jewel for every curse word I murmured under my breath. Blast! You crickets! Cause me to sin against the Lord!

Not to worry dear, Christianne, I can explain the mystery of crickets because I was there beside Job, with God, during creation and here is the account of creation history on crickets: Well, before I get into the story of creation, let me sum this up, so you can rest. God made a mistake. He said, "picket", and out of His hat jumped a cricket. So, you see, He is fine if we stomp them. Trust me on this. They get on His nerves too. No problem. What was being picketed, you may ask?  Oh, that was the angels in heaven, before the foundation of the world, picketing Fred Phelps' church………..(I just could not help myself) because they actually get on His nerves worse than the crickets.  I would really love to say, that He is fine if we stomp him too, but of course, that would NOT be appropriate. 

Now, for the story of creation, God had a huge hat, and He had a big wand (It was a red and white striped candy cane, except it was not peppermint, it was cinnamon. He does not like the smell of peppermint. Jesus says that it stinks.) So, God waves this huge cinnamon candy cane over this hat, and the hat looked just like the one that cat in the hat wears………..wow! What a coincidence. And then a rabbit popped out, and a big pink giraffe popped out, but God did not really like the color pink for a giraffe, so He laughed really loud at how silly that looked and He started over again. Then, a little bitty elephant the size of a raindrop popped out of God’s hat and He paused.......Now, when God paused all sorts of silly things started happening.  So, God and Adam laughed and played all afternoon in the garden with His weird looking hat and his cinnamon candy cane that made all sorts of pretty animals make funny noises.

Disclaimer:
Boy, my disclaimer could become longer than the blog itself. This blog is in no way meant to imply that the author is truly a psychopath. It was in jest. But, I can't promise I won't kill house flies. Okay, I will promise to first, try to make them leave the house without swatting them...........I watched The Bee Movie. However, when Bee's start talking to me, that could be a sign of psychosis and not a changed attitude about bugs. If crickets start talking to me........just call the paddy wagon!