Sleepless in Tennessee

I am sleepless. Stressed. Depressed. Discouraged. And, well, feel rather deserted, and abandoned by God. I have fought off saying those words for some time now. Mostly because, this me, does not know how to connect with the spiritual-high, me. I go through these phases where God is so real that He seems tangible. Then, I seem to slip back into some "spiritual twilight zone" where God seems no where to be found. During these dark times, my emotions seem to drift from being God-centered, to being "me centered."  In this zone, God becomes less-and-less real, and life, (as it spins out of control around me) becomes more-and-more real.

I want to say "all is well." But, right now, all does not feel well. The pressure of life has its icy-cold grip around my neck and it is squeezing the air out of my lungs. I find that if I do not pull away from God, my sense of being alone in this world fades down into a whisper and I barely hear that voice. But, that is not my typical response. I think, by nature, I pull away from God when I go through really painful things, maybe because it validates that sense of being all alone in my mind. That sounds very counterproductive doesn't it?  I can't seem to help it though. Something creeps into the back corridors of my mind. It is a lie that I can sometimes see, yet, not so much detect. I turn my anger and mistrust toward God, and I pull out an invisible sword and instantly, I am on-guard.

Does anybody watch x-men? Well, Wolverine, has a strong sense of smell. He can smell an enemy way before he can see them. The moment he smells an enemy, his claws come out. That, in a very strange analogy, is how I relate to God during difficult times. That sounds horrible! I get it. God is the one I should trust and run toward, right? I know. But, I can't seem to really get that in my messed up head. So, it seems that the devil wins his chess match with me by using the same ole trick that I still can't see through.