Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Spring, Crickets, and Creation is in the Air

Disclaimer: This blog is meant in jest only. It is not meant to be carried out or acted upon in any way, shape, or form. I have a few friends who read my blogs and I love you. So, this is not really meant for you......so, if you are a stranger that means I don't know you, and I have just started charging 9.99 to read my blog. I thought that was a fair price for such an array of brilliance that is spread like a  huge pile of shimmering light. Don't be ridiculous. If you want shimmering light go here.

Why this blog? Because spring is in the air, and the reminders of last year still lingers. Has anyone ever thought of the mysteries of creation? Specifically, certain non-human creatures, that seems to serve only annoying functions?  Take crickets for example: One, or, two, of those maddening pests decided to set up a tent outside my doorstep last spring and summer. It, or, they, remained there for the entire duration.  I finally affectionately named the damn thing, and I did not call him Charlie! He chirped, and he chirped, and he chirped. 

Oh dear, I just thought of something. I hope this does not hurt my sensitive little friend, Christianne's, feelings, because I know that she really loves all creatures. She may read this, and diagnose me a hardened psychopath because I had it in for that cricket, to the point of complete annihilation.  If I had a hammer, I would have hammered in the morning, and in the evening, and hunted that thing down and smashed it. If I had a gas can, I would have set the side of the house on fire some days, and cried with a loud voice, "Burn baby, Burn!" Maybe I would have felt some guilt as I saw a couple of crispy, golden-brown, chirping, legs burst into flames, I don't know. They say that is signs of a sociopath, but that blasted cricket drove me insane. 

I fantasized, on a daily basis, of squashing that cricket's guts all over my sidewalk, while an angelic choir sang. In the background, I pictured, an angelic choir of crickets, with all their little chirping legs held together, chirping to the tune of the coca cola Christmas song, "I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony."  Blast you unified crickets! You don't want to teach the world to sing!  You want to drive humans, with already questionable sanity, insane.

 All my self-control was stripped from me, and that cricket was laughing uncontrollably while he was joyfully, chirpingly, driving me out of my mind, and from my own living room.  I wanted to end him, while his little devilish soul is welcomed into a cricket’s realm of a fiery hell. Satan, of course, would be there waiting, with glee, to crown “Charlie,” with a crown of glory—for chirping without ceasing—outside my door for an entire spring and summer. He, I am sure, would have received a golden crown, and a jewel for every curse word I murmured under my breath. Blast! You crickets! Cause me to sin against the Lord!

Not to worry dear, Christianne, I can explain the mystery of crickets because I was there beside Job, with God, during creation and here is the account of creation history on crickets: Well, before I get into the story of creation, let me sum this up, so you can rest. God made a mistake. He said, "picket", and out of His hat jumped a cricket. So, you see, He is fine if we stomp them. Trust me on this. They get on His nerves too. No problem. What was being picketed, you may ask?  Oh, that was the angels in heaven, before the foundation of the world, picketing Fred Phelps' church………..(I just could not help myself) because they actually get on His nerves worse than the crickets.  I would really love to say, that He is fine if we stomp him too, but of course, that would NOT be appropriate. 

Now, for the story of creation, God had a huge hat, and He had a big wand (It was a red and white striped candy cane, except it was not peppermint, it was cinnamon. He does not like the smell of peppermint. Jesus says that it stinks.) So, God waves this huge cinnamon candy cane over this hat, and the hat looked just like the one that cat in the hat wears………..wow! What a coincidence. And then a rabbit popped out, and a big pink giraffe popped out, but God did not really like the color pink for a giraffe, so He laughed really loud at how silly that looked and He started over again. Then, a little bitty elephant the size of a raindrop popped out of God’s hat and He paused.......Now, when God paused all sorts of silly things started happening.  So, God and Adam laughed and played all afternoon in the garden with His weird looking hat and his cinnamon candy cane that made all sorts of pretty animals make funny noises.

Boy, my disclaimer could become longer than the blog itself. This blog is in no way meant to imply that the author is truly a psychopath. It was in jest. But, I can't promise I won't kill house flies. Okay, I will promise to first, try to make them leave the house without swatting them...........I watched The Bee Movie. However, when Bee's start talking to me, that could be a sign of psychosis and not a changed attitude about bugs. If crickets start talking to me........just call the paddy wagon!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

A Defense of the Dark Side of Me

I was going to write another crazy blog, but that will have to wait for maybe tomorrow. I spoke to my friend Nathan on the phone last night. He is so gifted at grounding me (not as in punishment), that would be a little weird since we are both adults and I am older than him. No, I mean, he keeps my feet on the ground, but, that of course, is usually after they have already traveled several thousand of miles above ground and become quite regulated at defying gravity, that he reels me back into reality.......way to go Nathan. This is all your fault! Couldn't you have told me all this........say.....20 days ago? But, since he never reads my blogs he doesn't catch my manic stage on time and look what happens? And he won't notice that insult. :) He never reads my blogs anymore because he hears me chatter on about whatever I am chattering on about.

So, during our enlightened conversation last night I mentioned these silly blogs that I have been writing to cope with stress and that my kind hearted friend Christianne sent me a concerned e-mail out of the blue about some of my blogs. And, of course, I have been communicating with my friend Terri some over e-mail and through blogging during some of this ordeal.  Now, guys, this blog is strictly because of Nathan's advice and coaching. So, if this blog further confirms my insanity???  He says, "Tammy, not everyone knows you like I do. They don't realize that you are just joking.  Some of the things you say could be alarming."  And, here I am, in my mind, thinking, "Nathan, Terri and Christianne know that I am only joking about all this mess. I am not serious about all this crap I am writing. I am doing this to cope with all the stress that I am under."

For the record, here is the scoop: my financial aid was denied this semester. So, that leaves me in a very destitute place, financially speaking. When I say destitute, I am not speaking lightly. So, the pressure of that has been so intense, that it has about drove me out of my mind. But, I am certainly not thinking of harming myself. What that has done, though, is open the door for past hurts to creep back in, and anger toward God to crop up, a lot of getting slammed emotionally, battling a lot of fears, and warring in my mind. So, the way I cope, is I laugh about it. Now, if only i could turn all that into making money, I would be doing fine. If I were some out-on-a-limb comedian, I would not be labeled a nut case. I would be rich and eccentric. Unfortunately, I am broke, and suppose bi-polar. Of course, I think  I have diagnosed one of my ex psychiatrists as bi-polar too. So, I am just as qualified to diagnose as the next gal.

I guess I should further explain, I did go to the crisis unit. Not because I was thinking of harming myself. I do realize that a lot of people do go there for that reason. But, one of the reasons I went was to get a medication change....which I must say, has worked out quite nicely because I have felt very buzzed since leaving the hospital. And that is NOT from over doses or taking more than prescribed or whatever. I am taking this just like I am supposed to. Nathan told me I should clarify that. I am being good. I am doing exactly as I am told, and if I were not, I have a very nosy, inquisitive, prying, spiritual mother that would be all up in my business (not to mention Nathan) if I were not.  So, when I write these insane blogs, I really have no intention to harm myself at all. I will tell you how you will know for certain. I am the type of person if I were going to off myself, I would just go do it. There would be no signs. I would not leave a paper trail. Much less a blog trail.

Now, to end this. Ha........I almost made a funny, but not really. Don't be ridiculous.  I did not really want to write this blog because I did not think that people were worrying.  In my mind, you guys know me. You know how I mouth off. But, to pacify Nathan, and because he gets me all worked up, I wrote this. But, I would like to, by faith, believe, my friends think I have some level of sanity. I mean, Terri, come on. Back me up here. You sent me an e-mail trying to make me see some sanity about myself. Come on. I hope you meant that. Right?

BTW Unless I get like, really bad feed back here, I probably won't stop my crazy rants for a while because they are really outlets for me. It is a release of bad energy somehow and I know that it is certainly not edifying, but eventually that warped side of Tammy does go away, but she still does exist. Do I have permission to rant?

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Beautiful Twisted Mind

The newness of the drug has not yet worn off and I must still be in a manic stage of some form of some mental illness. I don't really know the reason nor excuse for this blog. Maybe I should not even try to give one. However, I have learned to never voice the following words in a mental health facility: "I do not suffer from a mental illness. I only think I am  the Easter Bunny once a year, usually on Christmas Day and then the fog lifts and I am fine." Note to self: NEVER! under ANY circumstances EVER voice these words to a psychiatrist unless you plan to prolong your visit to the hospital. They do not think you were just kidding.  And if you follow  the Easter bunny comment up with, you thought you were Jesus once, til you saw your horns and tail come out, that could get you arrested!  Jesus has a sense of humor, but not mental health people.......go figure!

I almost feel compelled to defend my sanity after the last blog post. I don't intend to harm myself........with what? I don't even have any sharp objects to harm myself with. Am I gonna saw my arm off with a butter knife?  I guess if I were in a really sadistic mood I could ram my fingernail in a pencil sharpener.......that's just gross.  I have some spoons.......I could spoon myself to death! That sounds really melodramatic and it could end up on the nightly news: "Woman on Prozac, believes she is the Easter Bunny only on Christmas, Spoons herself to death on Valentines Day!"  Well, Dammit! Guess that suicide to-do list will have to be procrastinated til next yr. I missed a damn good opportunity though. I knew that procrastinating nature of mine would come in handy some day.

Everyone (especially my parents who do not even know I blog) can rest assured that I have no sharp objects, in which to endanger myself, or others. I hid those from myself yrs ago, right after that jail sentence for the first self stalking incident.  Don't be ridiculous.

Yes. My mind is really THIS twisted. I believe this is probably one if not the most twisted blogs I have ever written.

Monday, February 20, 2012

I crack myself up

Sometimes, I actually, really entertain myself. I just reread an email I sent to a friend the other day. I wrote this e-mail talking about my self sabotage tendencies. When i reread this I laughed so hard I cried because of the way I ended it: Here is the e-mail. I swear this e-mail looks like something i have seen on one of Ellen DeGeneres' Craig List jokes.

"I plot against myself. Yep. Just the other day, I stealthy laid in wait, with a knife craftily concealed behind my own back til I caught my own self off guard. I jumped out of no where from the midst of the darkness and threatened to take myself out. I sure did. I leaped from the bushes wearing a black ski mask and pair of black spandex, and in a gruff, serial-killer voice, said: "Where do you think you are going?" I darn near stalked myself for several days, til finally, I got the courage to send myself a criminally orchestrated death threat. It said something like: "I am going to drown you in the bathtub before turning on the bath water. All things are possible with the homicidally insane."  I am over here saying OMG, I better clarify. I am in no way thinking of self harm. At all. Really. I am just thinking about how twisted my life is. And how out of whack it gets. I get things straight for a while. Then bang. I slam my foot in the door once again. My life is so crazy that I am afraid to claim sanity at all anymore." 

Okay, folks, "I AM IN NO WAY THINKING OF SELF HARM. REALLY?" And what was your first clue? The knife craftily concealed behind ones back? Perhaps the black ski mask or the act of self stalking? In most states these are all psychological signs of mental wellness.

Don't wig out Terri. You know that was funny. This is hilarious and I did not even do this on purpose. So that makes it even more funny. It just is.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Drug Induced Blogpost

I have recently had a drug change and am feeling fairly buzzed.......thus the blog. Wow. If only my tongue could type, we would be in business. I am going to write a book called "the twisted mind" and this will be a blog entry. I am going to write here just whatever enters  my mind without trying to make it make much sense..........which means, like I normally write. Ha. That made me laugh. That was funny.

A psychiatrist (yes, isn't it obvious I need one?) took me off of a drug I have been on because I was not taking it as prescribed. Apparently, my therapist and psychiatrist are a bit uncomfortable with me practicing psychiatric medicine without a license. However, I keep trying to explain, that I am not uncomfortable with it at all.  I seem to be doing a fine job, and the fact that I ended up in the crisis unit is a small technicality. It was destiny and meant to be. It was there, that I have met the love of my life, and we will be married by some man who poses as a justice of the peace, but he also believes he is an alien, and he works for the CIA, and he is Elvis.
Anyway, it was not a major crisis. It was a minor crisis. So, there. I am not even in denial.  Honestly, on the plus side....I was not suicidal or homicidal.........so that should count for something of my medicinal practice ehhh?

In 2004 my ex-fired psychiatrist tried to kill me with "the pill" because she had an authority complex and I had an authority problem called "a rebellious streak" and we were like oil and water. This doctor got mad because  I would not take something the way she prescribed it, and she put me on something else, supposedly less dangerous, and it liked to have killed me with suicidal thoughts..............that is a true story. That is the only time that has ever happened to me and I swear she was a voodoo witch doctor and she did that to me on purpose. I don't see her anymore. She-devil doctor. I know a devil sat on that woman's shoulder and said, "I dare you defy me. You nut case. No one will believe that I have poisoned you."
 On a further note, it is very obvious from this story, that I had no fault in this matter. Oh, how my innocence reeked!  It's not like I provoked her to wrath or anything? :) 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Drinking Poison

Nope. Not a suicide attempt. I am talking about unforgiveness. Which, could actually become a long-term suicide. Someone told me once that bitterness was like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. That is such a powerful example of how useless the fight is, to hold something against another person. It does not destroy them. It destroys us. It is very difficult to come to terms with the fact that we can never really satisfy that deep need to get even with someone we feel may have wronged us. So, the question becomes, "Where do I take my 'quest for vengeance'?"

There just is no where else to take our cries to, but to the lord.  There is an inexplicable yoke that comes with bitterness. It is a burden that can't be bore except upon the nails of the cross. In other words, the sins against me were already paid for by Jesus. Just as, my sins against Christ were also already paid for. That is a very simplistic answer to a very complex problem. I get that. But, eventually, it does boil down to the basic ingredient of love. How I go from point A (which is my anger) to point B (which is letting it go) I am not sure how that works except....one day at a time.

I posted a song here, that could be viewed as a rather bitter break up tune. But, in some ways, it could be viewed as healing too. I see this as an adult woman, who has learned the hard way, how to play all grown up games.  In some ways, I think she is singing this song, not just to the person she was hurt by, but to the innocent child that she once was. This is only obvious in the video though. There is a real powerful place in the video where she is singing to a younger version of herself. I wonder what I would say to myself if I could push a rewind button and go back a few years? Would I believe myself when self says, "Don't go there! *** is gonna leave you for the first thing that walks by. Just keep on truckin. Ain't nothin real bout that thing you think your feelin."

Friday, February 10, 2012

Falling apart in Tennessee

Yeah. I'm still whining. This past month has been sheer torture for me (in my mind). The very moment I wake up, my first thought is: "Oh God, I am awake again." Truth is, I am just tired....of life..and right now I am mad at God that I am alive. For clarification, I want to stress the fact that I am NOT suicidal. I am not that far over the edge. I am just daily, finding living, the act of breathing, to be a chore. Maybe I am just being melodramatic--I am certainly not beyond that (being that I have such a die-hard optimistic outlook on life.)

I can't really disclose here all of the frustrations that have led to the depression that I feel. I have been under an extreme amount of stress the last month over situations that I have no control over. But, I felt like there was at least one mountain conquered in my life, and in no way would I even consider opening the door to that "sin" again. Actually, I know my inner-self well enough to know, without a doubt, I have not reconsidered my decision to never look back toward my ex s/o (as far as a relationship goes). That, of course, is final. But, anger, resentment, and bitterness is creeping into my mind coupled with a lot of loneliness. If I saw the person I am referring to here, I would not want to hook up. On the contrary, I would want to cuss them out! And in the long run, is that fact any better? Am I better for wishing the person would contract a venereal disease?  I would not have wished that if it were not for the lying and cheating.

I do not wish death on S/O. That is too simplistic. No. What I wish for them is complete misery and a sex life from hell that is filled with dissatisfaction, agony, and complete loathing for the oaf they are with. Would that make me happy? At the moment, yes it would make me incredibly happy. Does any of these thoughts make me the "good little Christian" that I wish to be? NO! NO! NO! I am certain that I should not be sitting around meditating on these types of things. But, here i am, wading through the muck. And I have not even mentioned the pressure that led to all of these thoughts. It seems that this last month, hell has bombarded my mind from all sorts of directions, and I am not doing well at snapping out of it. Okay, I will end my rant here.