Toxic Love (part 1)

The subject of co-dependency has been dissected within the field of psychology for years. Most people may be familiar with this term through AA meetings or some other resources that involve psychological terminology. Co-dependency is a very serious subject because it is destructive to the individual, both spiritually and emotionally. However, before diving into the more serious aspects of this subject, a humorous, biological approach to co-dependency is in order.

All sorts of parallels can be drawn from the animal kingdom that support spiritual truths.  These powerful analogies use explicit mental imagery to clearly define, in layman terms, what psychological jargon may fail to communicate. Therefore, the habits and behavior of angler fish is a good starting point to help grasp a few concepts about the subject of co-dependency.

"The Humpback Anglerfish has one of the most extreme methods of reproduction known to science. Much smaller and less aggressive than the female of the species, the male Anglerfish is born with extremely well developed olfactory organs that can detect the female’s sexual pheromones at great distances. Because the male’s diminutive size makes it difficult for it to find food, it soon becomes imperative to “hook-up” with a female as quickly as possible to prevent starvation. Once a male locates a female by following her sexual scent, a strange and extreme symbiotic mating ritual takes place.

Biting into her skin, an enzyme is released by the male that digests the skin of his mouth and her body, effectively fusing male and female down to the blood-vessel level. The male then slowly atrophies, first losing his digestive organs, then his brain, heart, and eyes, and ends as nothing more than a pair of gonads attached to her body which release sperm in response to hormones in the female's bloodstream--becoming a permanent parasitic sex slave. And since several males typically attach themselves to a single female (the average female carrying a harem of six or more), whenever she is ready to reproduce, she always has a male immediately available."
[http://guides.wikinut.com/Extreme-Animals%3A-The-Humpback-Anglerfish-of-the-Deep/6nlre7qx/]

Here we find a parasitic male fish who foolishly believes that he just chomped down on princess charming, only to find that said princess is not so charming. Eventually, (when it is WAY too late), he finds out that she only wants him for his sperm.Talk about serious case of disillusionment.  Before long, he finds out that this chic has not been faithful. On the contrary. She has a few "skeletons" in her closet (the male carcasses that she has devoured). She is supporting a harem and they are all singing "Hotel California" (see the words at the bottom......charming song) as they go down with the ship.  For the sake of fairness, both sexes get a bad rap. The female gets a bad rap for consuming the male fish, although, it was the males drive for survival that turned him into an attached parasite. So, in the end both sexes are to blame! This is a serious case of co-dependency!

The more serious psychological side side of co-dependency will be addressed in part 2.

"Hotel California"

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
"This could be Heaven or this could be Hell"
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes bends
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

So I called up the Captain,
"Please bring me my wine"
He said, "We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine"
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
They livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)
Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And she said "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device"
And in the master's chambers,
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can't kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
"Relax," said the night man,
"We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave!"

Love according to Shakespeare and Jesus

My friend Terri has accurately coined the way my mind works using the analogy of a ping pong ball. I love this because it really does describe how I think. I bounce all over the place, but usually, if someone sticks with me, there is some meaning to my madness. So, if you wait this out, there is a point.

I was just about to write a blog on co-dependency, but I changed directions after meditating on a  quote that was written by my friend Sarah in one of her blog posts, "Loving the Sharp Places."  Speaking of her daughter, she says, "How else will she learn of love, that it has more to do with the lover than the condition of the beloved?" Isn't that a powerful quote? Just so happens that Shakespeare has written a Sonnet that fits this quote wonderfully.

Sonnet 130: William Shakespeare
 My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why her breast are dun;
If hairs be wires, then black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red, and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.
    And yet by heaven, I think my love as rare (extraordinary)
    As any she belied, (misrepresented) with false compare.

Shakespeare is writing this sonnet in the voice of a lover for his beloved. Ironically, most poems are written in form of a man who adores a woman who has a long list of beautiful characteristics that makes her beautiful to him; however, not in this Sonnet. This is written exactly the opposite. The man portrayed here, uses nauseating  language to describe his beloved. He says, in a nutshell, that her lips are not red, her cheeks not rosy, her hair is black and wiry, her breasts are dull brown, her breath stinks,  her voice is not like the sound of music, and finally, she is not a goddess. She walks on the ground. This is a fairly insulting way to be described. Clearly, this man does not have this woman placed on a pedestal.

However, he says that his love for her is rare and nothing compares to her. According to this sonnet, there is nothing attractive about this woman. Her features are repulsive; however, he is vowing his undying love for her. What Shakespeare is describing here is a transcendent love; one that surpasses the condition of the object of his affections. This is a poignant rendering of God's love for us.

I tied all this into a conversation that I had with a friend last night. I was telling him about Sarah's quote. I said, "Isn't that an awesome quote?" He said, yes, that it made him think of hugging a cactus. Okay, that was one of my ping pong comments. I laughed. I said, "How did you get hugging a cactus out of a beautiful quote?" He said it made him think of God and that we are like cacti to Him. He chooses to embrace us despite the fact that His holy nature and our unholy nature clash.

As I meditated deeper on this, I came up with more conclusions. God gives up his rights to befriend us. He relinquishes His power as God. He does not change His mind about sin and our sinful nature. However, He suppresses His rights as God when He does not demand that we change our wrong behavior. He does this to love us out of our sins, not eradicate them by snuffing our lives out just because He is God and has the power to do so. He relinquishes a real part of who He is to embrace us. This is apparent on the cross when Christ died.........Jesus gave up His Godhood, His glorious crown in heaven, to wear one of thorns. Christ relinquished His power as the Son when He refused to come down from the cross. Instead of saving Himself (which He was urged to do by a mocker while on the cross) He hang there, allowed those whom He created to mock Him, and died.

Jesus never chose the easy way out. He chose the path of love which made Him vulnerable to being hurt by those He loved. We might want tell someone, "Get on with it. Grow up out of your mess." However, God, although having full power to do so, does not. He patiently waits for us to come to Him instead of saying to Himself, "Let's hurry up and get this job done." God does not strong-arm us into change. This aspect of God makes Him both good and fearful in the same moment. God comes to His sanctuary, our inner selves, and begins to snoop around in there and "bug" us about things that displease Him. He does not do this because He is demanding His own way. He does this because those things that displease Him, destroy us.

God's love is not about our condition, but about the transcendence of His love.

So, which is it?

I was reading the Bible earlier, and I ran across a scripture that has always been one of my favorite scriptures in the Bible:

1 Chronicles 11:12 And after him was Eleazar the son of Dodo, the Ahohite, who was one of the three mighty men.  (I bet you didn't see that one coming. Did you?)

Now, talk about needing therapy for the rest of your life. How would you like to be labeled the son or daughter of "Doo Doo" or of "Dough Dough?"  Either way, this is gonna get messy (pun intended). Folks, in my mind, there are only two choices of pronunciation here..........you choose. Life as a dummy or life as excrement. I am well aware that there is most likely a Greek, Hebrew, Latin, Chinese, or some African tribal pronunciation for this (that the majority of society cannot pronounce, nor has ever heard of, except the guy living in a tent by the Nile River in Egypt). I am also sure that it probably has nothing to do with "Doo Doo" or being a "Dough Dough." However, for the sake of my point........we are going to pronounce it southern style.........."Doo Doo" or  "Dough Dough". You choose. You only get two choices.

First and foremost, this scripture has always cracked me up every time I have read it. But tonight, as I was sitting here giggling over this, a light bulb came on. I like to think of that light bulb as Jesus. This really blows my mind because I am over here laughing at this, and probably taking it to an irreverent level in my mind, when I really started meditating on what I was thinking. Here is what I am thinking..

This is from John Chapter 1 in The Message Bible: 
  "But whoever did want him, who believed he was who he claimed  and would do what he said,  He made to be their true selves,  their child-of-God selves.  These are the God-begotten, not blood-begotten, not flesh-begotten, not sex-begotten." 
  
This is wonderful news. We don't have to live out our whole lives as the sons and daughters of "Doo Doo" or  "Dough Dough." We have been rescued in Christ to become our true selves. Maybe your past has labeled you. You can't seem to live down that label that you have slapped on yourself or that was slapped on you by society and circumstances. Maybe you were "born on the wrong side of the tracks" and that reputation has followed you, plagued you, your whole life. This reminds me of Rahab, the harlot. She was always referred to as "Rahab the harlot." But, you know what? Rahab the harlot wound up in the Hall of Faith in the book of Hebrews Chapter 11.  

Not only was she mentioned there, but she was mentioned in Matthew as being a part of the lineage of Christ. And we can duly note that there, she is not mentioned as Rahab the harlot, but Rahab the mother of Boaz. And  Boaz, is a name that we recognize as being in the lineage of Christ.  Rahab did a mighty thing when she received the spies from Israel that were sent into Jericho. She put her life on the line. Rahab's old life was swallowed up by the destruction of Jericho, but she kept on traveling because she had her eyes fixed on a new city.......the city of God.  


I like that the book of Hebrews 11 says that "God was not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them."  I think of my life and all the things I have done to bring shame upon the name of God, but I see hope here in these lines.

We have been God-begotten, not blood begotten. The reality of this makes us children of God not children of  an insulting label. There is more to me, when I am living out my life in Christ, than a label. Now, to round this up..........Eleazar, the son of Dodo, was one of the three mighty men in King David's army. Not bad for a man born with a "family stigma"?  

I should put a disclaimer here, because surely someone who is a biblical scholar in Timbuktoo, who does not even have internet connection, will find my blog and proclaim that I am preaching falsehood because the actual pronunciation is............blah blah blah.  I know already. It was just a "Far Side" cartoon analogy. I mixed a few ingredients together and came out with a potent elixir. I like my elixir......leave me alone! God really does have a sense of humor.  Does anybody read Far Side cartoons? HA!
 

How far can sin take us?

How far will sin really take us? I think this question can be graphically answered through the life of King David.  God cherished David, and in Acts 13, God Himself gives testimony of David, that he was a man after His own heart. Can you imagine that? We think of our testimonies of God, but think of God giving testimony of a man. That is incredible.  But, there was a time in David’s life where he found himself roped by sin, and it landed him in a very dark place.  The reference here begins in 2 Samuel 10. 

The story begins with David winning a great victory for Israel. This is explained in 2 Samuel 10:17-19.  David slew a great number of the Ammonites.  Afterward, we see a shift, perhaps in time, because the bible then says (2 Samuel 11:1) that in the spring of the yr when kings go out to battle that David remained in Jerusalem, but he sent Joab, his servants, and all Israel into battle with the Ammonites, but David did not go. There are points of great significance in this scripture. First, it was at the time when kings go out to battle, (David was in the wrong place at the wrong time). Two, David sent others to do a job that he himself should have been engaged in as well (noting a sense of pride or sluggishness).  Three, Israel was still in battle with the Ammonites of which David had gained a great victory over (again noting a sense of pride in his victory which may have resulted in complacency). 

That long explanation just set the stage for what happened next—David’s downfall.  David did not just “fall” into sin. He progressed into sin.  No one wakes up one day and just decides to have an affair (well, for those who are trying to be faithful to God or their conscience, that is). By examining what happens next, we find David to be the perpetrator.  David sees Bathsheba bathing. The bible does not spell everything out word for word, so given these circumstances, it is safe to assume that David did not turn his eyes away from this woman. He most likely lingered and enjoyed his peep show. Bam! Sin committed! Right there! He has looked upon this woman, lusted after her, and he intends to have her. 

David inquires about the woman, finds out she is married, and still he sends for her with intention to sleep with her anyway. Not only is she married, but she is married to one of the servants in David’s army. There is so much mining (as my friend Christianne puts it) to be done in these few scriptures. It is amazing.  The story progresses. David finds out that Bathsheba is pregnant and now he has a huge sin to cover up. So, in attempts to make Uriah believe the child was his own; David plots to have Uriah go lie with Bathsheba. Incidentally, this was not customary for a warrior to do during a battle. So, David invites Uriah to his house………the king’s house. David shows him special attention (THE MAN WHOSE WIFE HE JUST COMMITTED ADULTRY WITH!!). Not only does he show him favor by the invitation, but David dismisses Uriah to his own house (during a battle), tells him to relax, and SENDS A GIFT OF FOOD BY THE MAN WHOSE WIFE HE JUST COMMITTED ADULTRY WITH! This is the point where we see sin begin to harden David conscience. He has lost conscience of hurting this man and God. 

The story progresses. David becomes more hardened. Not only did Uriah refuse to go home to his wife, he remained at the door of the king the whole night.  When David found that Uriah did not go home to his wife, he questions Uriah. Uriah replies, “The ark and Israel and Judah are dwelling in tents, and my lord Joab and the servants of my lord are encamped in the open fields. Shall I then go to my house to eat and drink, and to lie with my wife? As you live, and as your soul lives, I will not do this thing.”  There was demand for this scripture to be written word for word because it is just shocking how this man held to his faithfulness to God, Israel, and David. But, still this man’s innocence and loyalty did not deter David from covering his sin. Not  only is Uriah’s reactions astounding, David’s actions are appalling and astonishing!! 

David does not turn. He only gets worse. Now, David must find a new tactic. He cajoles Uriah to stay in the palace and the next day David eats and drinks with him with the intent to get him drunk enough to go lie with his wife. Uriah, being drunk, still maintained his integrity. He refused to go to his wife. Does this deter David? NO! It does not! David becomes more hardened. He stoops to more maliciousness. He then sends a letter BY URIAH’S OWN HAND, to Joab, the leader of David’s army. The letter was David’s instructions to Joab to put Uriah on the front line of an intense battle and have him killed. 

As this event unfolds, it only gets worse. Uriah is eventually killed in the war that Israel lost; however, David sends a messenger to comfort Joab over it when he finds out that his plan for Uriah had been carried out. Incidentally, after Joab's letter concerning Uriah's death, we still see no remorse or feeling from David in this matter. Actually, his response was completely callous, David says to Joab: "Do not let this thing displease you, for the sword devours one as well as another." OH MY GOSH! David is completely nonchalant about what he has just done. The lights are home, but no one is home........this is how far sin can take us. At this point, in David's mind, Uriah is not even a person, he simply a slain soldier of war. This is absolutely horrid.  I am not judging David. Later, when Nathan the prophet confronts David about this sin, David passes judgment upon himself. Nathan’s prophetic analogy became an epiphany for David. He was forced to stare at his own image in the mirror and hear the words, “You are the man.” 

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? This is a man who loves God committing these heinous acts.  HE JUST SENT URIAH’S DEATH SENTENCE BY HIS OWN HAND—A COMPLETELY LOYAL AND INNOCENT MAN.  Uriah had done nothing to David. He blindly, trustingly put his life in the hands of David and David betrayed him in the worse possible way. What makes this even more astounding is the fact that this is the same David that wrote Psalm after Psalm about God’s justice, mercy, and hatred for evil. David had an intimacy with God that set him apart from others. Not every man had the privileged access to God that David experienced. The more I write, the more I meditate deeper and deeper on this story, the heavier the weight of my words become. 

One may wonder, as I do, why God allowed David to get to this point before He intervened. I don’t have the answer to that. I do have a thought on that. Just a theory, but I am not sure how accurate or inaccurate it is. Maybe when we become bit by the “sin bug” it releases its poison in us and the only cure is for God to wait it out until he sees on the inside of us a sense of guilt that has reached a pinnacle. He finds a certain contrition in our spirit that He can work with and it is at that point He can rescue us……..I am not sure about that. It is just a theory.  

Sermons have been preached and taught on the lives of David and Samson and how God can use us in spite of ourselves. That is very true. But, we must not forget that God can also use Jackasses, as He did with Balaam. I know that sentence was piercing and harsh, but it is still true. There were grave consequences to Samson’s sin and David’s sin. In David’s case, an innocent man lost his life, a marriage was completely destroyed, and a baby died despite David’s pleading with God for its life.  In Samson’s case, he was captured by the enemy; he lost his eyesight; and finally his life.  


I read a church bill board the other day that stated: "Forbidden fruit brings many jams."  Just seemed fitting  here.

Me and God

Here would be me hanging on God's fridge.  It would be one of those......"Adam where are you?" moments.

My Spiritual Journey Pt 2

To answer Christianne's question about the book I was referring to, I will make reference to that one and maybe another one in this blog.

I love and have great compassion for suffering people and in no way want to leave someone feeling hopeless or condemned. But, some of the things I say (at some point) will probably be very truthful.......as the way I see it. I am saying that because it is the truth, and sometimes a bitter truth, about ourselves that makes us free. But, I must note right here, that change and accepting truth is all about timing and this could be the wrong timing for someone if anything I say leaves them feeling condemned. God has been pouring a lot of straight forward truth into me lately. However, I don't go around telling hurting people these things because I am not God and sometimes a person is just not ready to hear certain things. I also want to note that it has literally taken me yrs to face myself to this point and I have miles left to go.

About 3 years ago I picked up a book entitled "Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love" by Pia Mellody. Incidentally, I read it, but still did not change much. You may ask why that is, and I can't really answer that.  Have you ever been addicted to something, know you have a problem, but still can't see out of it because something in your heart is still not willing to let go of "It" whatever "It" may be? Sometimes, often times, we have hang ups, or sins, that are our "feel good" pills and we like them (though they may torment our soul even destroy us and others) yet, we still don't want to relinquish them.

A sorta funny.....(well I laughed out loud) story about holding on to things, happened the other night. I have been attending a twelve step recovery group for several months now. It is a Christian-based, Christ-centered program, somewhat like AA, but solely based on Jesus as the higher  power. Anyway, there is a little lady in our group that is somewhat elderly and I love her to death. She is hilarious because she is so honest and outspoken that it cracks me up because I love the element of SHOCK when it comes to shaking religiosity (and sometimes I need my own to be shaken I can tell ya). And Ms. Lucy has this down to a science (not even meaning to) and that is the hilarity of it.

So, the group was focusing on the question of addictions, how we use them to pacify our emotions, and what we are doing to change that. So, one of our group leaders, who is really very precious, and tries to be accepting, but has a little bit of that religious streak, asked Ms. Lucy this question about addiction. And she blatantly says "I fight with smoking, I still smoke, and I love to smoke." So, the group leader, trying to bring the focus back to HOW WE CAN CHANGE.....asks her, "So, Ms. Lucy, what you are trying to tell the group is that God has been convicting you of your smoking?" She blatantly says, (not in offense nor anger) Oh, No! I don't feel one bit convicted about it! I like to smoke! It's killing me. I have blah blah blah..........as she lists off all these ailments caused by her smoking. I busted out laughing. That raised a few eyebrows, but no one knew what to say..........she had just in innocent honesty vomited out her sin and it was "taboo" to say she did not even want to change.The group was at at stand still with that awkward silence where everyone is thinking, (ahem) moving right along...........

I knew the leader was a bit stunned and did not know what to say, so I said, "Miss Lucy, sometimes we become so comfortable in our addictions that we find ourselves with little or no conviction over them. That is when we have to cry out to God to help us to WANT help."  I could understand her plight. I deal with it everyday. I have to ask God to help me want to please Him. "Help me want to love You and obey You. I am so stubborn and callous. I am so in love with my own ways that I am so ashamed that I have to ask You to help me to love You because within myself there is nothing but self centered desire."

Well, this blog is getting long and I still did not even get to my point yet, nor did I mention the other book. That story may have seemed pointless, but it was very important to many points that I will make about the strength of addictions. I do have full intention of writing a book in the future. It is a long term goal and part of these blogs that I am writing here are going to be pieces of my book. I want to write a book on addictions and the journey through them and the journey out of them.

Folks God spoke to me as I was trying to end this blog and I could not resist but to keep going. This is such a sacred moment for me because I knew the presence of Jesus stepped here in the room.


When a wounded person has faced life scaring trauma, that absolutely does not heal overnight and God handles us very gently until He can bring us to a place where He preps us for surgery. This is what God might say to a wounded soul that is struggling with sins they can't seem to control, "My child I see that thorn in your heart. I hear your silent cries and your whimpering in those sleepless nights when this thing torments your soul. I understand why you are angry and why you even lash out at Me at times. But, I know what I am doing, though you don't understand My plans. I am coming for you. I promise. I am preparing you for healing because that thorn in your heart is not going to come out easily, and it is going to hurt when I remove it. I am gentle and these things take time. You will most likely hate Me when I touch that wound because it is deeply infected, but if I don't take it out, it will destroy you. I love you child. We will wait out this painful process together, with you missing me, and I missing you, but one day we will become one and you won't feel that wall of separation anymore. And you will see that I was worth the wait and I will say, "You were worth the wait My love." Just as Abraham laid Isaac on an alter and I gave the body of my Son to bear beatings, piercing of thorns, and splinters of a cross.......so I surrender you child to the trials of this world. But find rest in knowing that Abraham received Isaac as one raised from the dead, and on the third day My Son arose victoriously from the grave."

I keep trying to end this blog, but more things keep popping into my mind. I had a friend who has a 5yr old little girl. A few yrs ago she got scratched very deeply above the eye by the family cat. Her parents took her to the doc and she had to have stitches, but the doctors could not do anything with her. She was wailing about slinging her arms and wrestling with the doctor. In this process her mother had to be the one to hold her down so they could give her shots to numb the pain.  This girl told me that her daughter would run from her after that for a while. She would withdraw from her embrace. This really scarred this little girl and her mother seemed to her to be the enemy, although, it was her mother that was really saving her.

She did not comprehend that and she lashed out at her and it formed a distrust in her toward her mother. Sometimes when we get really addicted to something and God wants to heal something in us that is painful, we put up a wall instantly with Him. Some trigger of mistrust is ignited. All of a sudden we see the shiny image of the edge of a scalpel coming  toward us and we see God holding it and we flinch and He becomes the enemy. This makes so much sense to me now. I have never really thought about this before. There are issues in my life where I would buck up against God in a heartbeat the moment He puts His finger on it. I am still learning to trust that He really does have my best interest at heart.

My spiritual journey: en medias res

I am about to get into a more serious side of blogging.  I am not sure how deeply I am going to blog about certain aspects of myself and specifically my past, but i am going to go into some detail that will probably be a bit risky. So here goes. Many of my friends here know things about my personal life because we became close and I was pretty upfront about certain parts of myself. So for me to say I had a lot of relationships go awry is not a mystery to them. 

Last December was a very huge reality check for me. The only way I know how to compare it to would be the equivalent to an alcoholic coming to his senses after he ran over someone and killed them while DUI. I am not a drug addict, at least not one that you may typically label an addict.........I don't do drugs and I am not addicted to alcohol, but I have another addiction.   I get attached to people and they become addictions. The other day I ran into my therapists office in a panic thinking I had borderline personality disorder. She kinda looked at me funny, as if surprised, and said, "No Tammy. You better check the DSM again. You don't have BPD."

Whew! I had read a book on that and wow. These folks are really hard to treat and one major reason is they think everybody else in their life is their problem. Their idea of rejecting them is they have called 5 times in one day and the 6th one you can't answer because you were in the middle of a funeral and they go cut themselves believing you don't care. I am in NO WAY trying to make fun of people with this issue. I used a somewhat fanatical explanation, but borderlines can really be that extremely clingy and justify it in their minds. And i can sympathize with that because they are living in an unreality that is a very painful reality to them.  I have never been this unreasonably clingy, but I have been way too clingy to others, but usually I notice it and keep myself in check over it.

However, some  aspects of BPD mirror co-dependency. I have never understood what that meant, well, until a few weeks ago. There is a christian author that has written a very biblical approach to this term and it opened my eyes to so many things. I will save some of the things that God taught me about this subject on my next blog. I want to shorten these posts so I don't overwhelm everybody with these long blogs.

One of my weird stories..........for old time sake.

Now, about my sarcasm. I would have to have NO pulse to cut that out, so........I am in recovery....not dead.  With that being said, I must tell one of my ridiculous stories. I am taking an astronomy class this semester. Yeah. I know. Astronomy? Right? Why am I doing something this ludicrous? To avoid biology. Duh! Why else would I be taking a retarded class like this? Who even knew this was an actual science that anyone took seriously? Really?

Anyway.........back to degrees in astronomy. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" "Oh, a cast member on Star Trek. I have a degree in astronomy. I wanna be one of those hairy monstrosities with 3 heads, half a nose with a clothespin ripped through the mamed nostril, one werewolf shaped ear, and a partridge in a pear tree growing out my rear that plays jingle bells (also in Spanish) when I walk."

Who gets a degree in astronomy? Really? Well, obviously somebody does because our college has "2", yes, that is "2" certified Doctors of Astronomy.  I brought that up for a reason. Our class is on Thursday nights and this past Thursday we stood out in the cold mind you, while "2", yes that's "2" professors with doctorates tried to focus "4", yes that's "4", high powered telescopes on Jupiter. And one was triple the size of a civil war cannon. This process took "2", yes that's "2" hours (not to set up..to find the dang planet)  ........meanwhile back at the ranch..........Frankie, who has an app on her smart phone that projects virtual real-time space by satellite, is walking around in the dark showing the rest of the lethargic, complaining class where Jupiter was because neither professor could focus the telescope. Is it just me or does anyone else find it a little odd that 2 professors, 4 telescopes and a smart phone is required to find a planet?  It almost requires a pollock joke.

The real praying is going to begin next semester when the professor retires and we have a real instructor and we all need part two to graduate. That is when we will all become religious quickly and start chanting, invoking catholic voodoo, throwing around holy water, praying to Jesus, Mary, Job, Aristotle,  Buddha, Elvis......and whoever else will listen. As it stands now we are all cheating on the exams........(ahem) I mean group study. I hope God does not consider cheating to be a sin. I wonder how many hail Mary's that is gonna cost because I seriously am not considering changing. Anyway, this is not one of the 10 commandments.........or is it? I forgot what they are, but I am pretty sure it did not make God's top 10 so it must not be too important.

Catch up time

Hello Blog world. I have been away from this place for some time now.  It has been a while since I have spoken to many of my friends in blogland that I love and miss. Sorry guys. There were several things going on in my life at the time when I stopped blogging. In all honesty most of the things were excess drama that I brought into my life through some very BAD choices. I was about to affectionately title myself, "Drama Moma." Luckily, no one else has given me the pleasure of this title. If so, I would go on and stab myself in the chest and leap from a very tall steeple.......was that over the top in the drama department?

About the new title........I wanted to open this space up to my thoughts about God and the new path that I have found myself traveling. Have patience with me my friends. I don't really know how else to address an issue but to be plain spoken and honest and cry for mercy in the midst of it. I do realize that i have this annoying "religious" sounding tone at times and I am trying to catch that and temper it. But, if you detect it please overlook me. Just roll your eyes and say, "Tammy is riding the religious subway again. Just let her miss a couple of stops and eventually she'll realize she has missed the "time to get off the train" point and turn around. We love her though........cause she's "spa-cial."

Why did I choose that photo? It is one of the most powerful representations of the glory of God that I have found and I remember the first time I ever saw it. I was in a church in Florida where someone had painted this huge painting on the wall behind the pulpit. It was awesome. I was captivated by it.

Some major things took place in my life, spiritually speaking, last December. I had a drastic encounter with a crisis and a drastic encounter with God in the midst of it. I have since been on a steady path to find myself and where I fit with God. I have found a lot of things about myself that I really dislike. They are ugly, but I also am finding the grace of God in the midst to help me see out of a me that I don't want to keep becoming. Honestly, it has taken so many years for me to truly say, "I really don't want to be that Tammy anymore." I never thought that day would come. I loved my pet sins and I loved to wallow in them.........that is true. Ugly. But true.

However, I am still me and my "Me-ness" is gonna pop out in my twisted humor. I just can't help myself.