This blog has been put off now forever. Different things have come up. My last blog on this subject was about Angular fish and their bizarre mating ritual. It was a very good analogy on how destructive codependency can really be. I have learned a whole lot about myself just in the last year.
First, I faced a bitter betrayal from someone I loved....or at least thought I loved anyway. God gave me a whole lot of grace to help me see me instead of blaming the whole thing on my ex. It was a defining moment in my life. It was my epiphany. I am actually very grateful for the fact that the person cheated on me (That sounds absurd. I know). I am grateful for a couple of reasons: One, it removed the person from my life. Two, it made me take a really long, hard look at myself and what I am really capable of doing without the mercy of God.
I found out, despite my deep-rooted Christian beliefs, I might possibly have the ability to kill someone when pushed too far. It would have to be in a blind rage not a premeditated thing. When I found out that someone I trusted had been lying to me, I cannot describe the rage that I felt. This is one strong indication to me that God was really with me.....because I did not become physically violent. However, I did cuss this person out several times without much remorse. I said some really ruthless things and to be 100% honest, there are still days when anger rises up in me and I still don't feel bad about the things I said at all. My deepest regret, in the beginning, was that I was not ruthless enough and wish had been even more cutting.
I think about Jesus and what He endured with Judas. Right before Judas betrayed Christ (with a kiss no less), Jesus washed his feet. Has anyone ever thought about that? The disciples all partook of the Lord's supper, where Jesus took a towel and washed all of the disciples feet, including Judas. John 13 lays out in chronological order the events that led up to Jesus' crucifixion. First Jesus washed the disciples feet and then they partook of the Lords supper. John even explains that "by the time of supper the Devil had already put it into the heart of Judas to betray Him."
Later, when Jesus and the disciples were leaving Gethsemane Judas came greeting him with a kiss. And right up til the bitter end Jesus says to Judas, "Friend, why have you come?" Jesus was not blind at all about why Judas came, but he still greeted him as "Friend." This is such a powerful example of love that surpasses all understanding.......a love which I just don't have at the moment.
I can relate to Jesus a lot here because the person I was with "betrayed me with a kiss." One of the most intimate times that we had ever experienced together took place 1 week before I found out there was someone else in the picture and I have no idea how long it had been going on. I know that I am writing this in the voice of a victim and in some ways I felt that way. But, ...... I was hardly the victim. And believe me God is letting me know this day by day. He is shining the light on me, my own sin, and my own evil, self centered heart. This is where the change in my life is coming from.....stopping the blame game! I'm trying to see the love of Christ in this mess and embrace His mercy, not just for myself, but for those "someone's" in my life that I don't feel deserve it. That is what God's mercy is all about........it's free. I did not earn the mercy that God has extended to me, and He has extended a WHOLE LOT OF MERCY!
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