My heart is torn

 I am still searching to find a balance in my blogging space of what is appropriate and what is not. Sometimes that is a real challenge for me because I am trying to make some very conscious, purposeful steps toward God and away from so much negativity and over the top humor. I am unsure if this is the place to pour out certain parts of myself, but life has got the better of me today. I am pretty stressed out and not so optimistic.

There is much going on within my family and there has been a storm brewing all around me for sometime now. I am by nature a chronic worrier. I sit and worry about everything. I probably worry about things that a lot of people would consider to be totally absurd, still, for me it is like an addiction. If I wake up in the morning without an instant sense of foreboding (over something, anything) I will immediately begin to break out into hives until I quickly find something to be obsessively worried about.

But, tonight I can put a name to my fear. My greatest fear for several yrs now has been facing my parents death. It makes me miserable at the thought. My mother has a serious prescription drug addiction and has been hospitalized 3 or 4 times in the last few years with a drug overdose. Whether it is accidental or purposeful is undetermined.  On top of this, my mother has major health issues and this last year I have watched her age more rapidly than ever. I am seeing her become more and more helpless and feeble and it rips me apart inside. I have seen the same thing from my dad, he is several yrs older than my mother and life is wearing him down. My mom's condition is wearing him down. I am watching the only things I have in this world slip away from me little by little, day by day. Sickness and time is stealing them and tonight I am just overwhelmed with grief.

Mom recently fell again.  there have been countless incidents of her falling. This entails a 911 call every  time she falls because Daddy does not have the strength to pick her up anymore. She just had surgery on her shoulder from a recent fall and she called me tonight to tell me she has fallen again and thought she broke her hip. I felt my heart sink. She then goes on to tell me that she thinks dad has had a stroke and refuses to go to the doctor. I became more sick and my stomach and mind is in knots.

I feel completely helpless. I have offered to move there and take care of them, but mom refuses. She does not want to live with anyone. And frankly the idea is not so pleasant to me either because my mother is so cantankerous at times, but my heart hurts each time I see them in this condition. It rips me apart and I can't do anything about it.  I have been going to Ga every week to take care of their bills and things that they will allow me to do. To see the two people that have always been strong in my eyes become more and more week is rending. I am racked with guilt and frequently become overwhelmed with so many regrets. I can think back to the days when mom looked alive, but now I see a shell of a person and I weep. I don't know where else to go but to Jesus. Tonight I think the scripture "Store up for yourselves treasures in heaven" means a lot to me. I have to give the things I love to Jesus because ultimately they don't belong to me.......they are only borrowed. This blog is probably full of typos but I don't have the energy to check it.