My Spiritual Journey Pt 2

To answer Christianne's question about the book I was referring to, I will make reference to that one and maybe another one in this blog.

I love and have great compassion for suffering people and in no way want to leave someone feeling hopeless or condemned. But, some of the things I say (at some point) will probably be very truthful.......as the way I see it. I am saying that because it is the truth, and sometimes a bitter truth, about ourselves that makes us free. But, I must note right here, that change and accepting truth is all about timing and this could be the wrong timing for someone if anything I say leaves them feeling condemned. God has been pouring a lot of straight forward truth into me lately. However, I don't go around telling hurting people these things because I am not God and sometimes a person is just not ready to hear certain things. I also want to note that it has literally taken me yrs to face myself to this point and I have miles left to go.

About 3 years ago I picked up a book entitled "Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love" by Pia Mellody. Incidentally, I read it, but still did not change much. You may ask why that is, and I can't really answer that.  Have you ever been addicted to something, know you have a problem, but still can't see out of it because something in your heart is still not willing to let go of "It" whatever "It" may be? Sometimes, often times, we have hang ups, or sins, that are our "feel good" pills and we like them (though they may torment our soul even destroy us and others) yet, we still don't want to relinquish them.

A sorta funny.....(well I laughed out loud) story about holding on to things, happened the other night. I have been attending a twelve step recovery group for several months now. It is a Christian-based, Christ-centered program, somewhat like AA, but solely based on Jesus as the higher  power. Anyway, there is a little lady in our group that is somewhat elderly and I love her to death. She is hilarious because she is so honest and outspoken that it cracks me up because I love the element of SHOCK when it comes to shaking religiosity (and sometimes I need my own to be shaken I can tell ya). And Ms. Lucy has this down to a science (not even meaning to) and that is the hilarity of it.

So, the group was focusing on the question of addictions, how we use them to pacify our emotions, and what we are doing to change that. So, one of our group leaders, who is really very precious, and tries to be accepting, but has a little bit of that religious streak, asked Ms. Lucy this question about addiction. And she blatantly says "I fight with smoking, I still smoke, and I love to smoke." So, the group leader, trying to bring the focus back to HOW WE CAN CHANGE.....asks her, "So, Ms. Lucy, what you are trying to tell the group is that God has been convicting you of your smoking?" She blatantly says, (not in offense nor anger) Oh, No! I don't feel one bit convicted about it! I like to smoke! It's killing me. I have blah blah blah..........as she lists off all these ailments caused by her smoking. I busted out laughing. That raised a few eyebrows, but no one knew what to say..........she had just in innocent honesty vomited out her sin and it was "taboo" to say she did not even want to change.The group was at at stand still with that awkward silence where everyone is thinking, (ahem) moving right along...........

I knew the leader was a bit stunned and did not know what to say, so I said, "Miss Lucy, sometimes we become so comfortable in our addictions that we find ourselves with little or no conviction over them. That is when we have to cry out to God to help us to WANT help."  I could understand her plight. I deal with it everyday. I have to ask God to help me want to please Him. "Help me want to love You and obey You. I am so stubborn and callous. I am so in love with my own ways that I am so ashamed that I have to ask You to help me to love You because within myself there is nothing but self centered desire."

Well, this blog is getting long and I still did not even get to my point yet, nor did I mention the other book. That story may have seemed pointless, but it was very important to many points that I will make about the strength of addictions. I do have full intention of writing a book in the future. It is a long term goal and part of these blogs that I am writing here are going to be pieces of my book. I want to write a book on addictions and the journey through them and the journey out of them.

Folks God spoke to me as I was trying to end this blog and I could not resist but to keep going. This is such a sacred moment for me because I knew the presence of Jesus stepped here in the room.


When a wounded person has faced life scaring trauma, that absolutely does not heal overnight and God handles us very gently until He can bring us to a place where He preps us for surgery. This is what God might say to a wounded soul that is struggling with sins they can't seem to control, "My child I see that thorn in your heart. I hear your silent cries and your whimpering in those sleepless nights when this thing torments your soul. I understand why you are angry and why you even lash out at Me at times. But, I know what I am doing, though you don't understand My plans. I am coming for you. I promise. I am preparing you for healing because that thorn in your heart is not going to come out easily, and it is going to hurt when I remove it. I am gentle and these things take time. You will most likely hate Me when I touch that wound because it is deeply infected, but if I don't take it out, it will destroy you. I love you child. We will wait out this painful process together, with you missing me, and I missing you, but one day we will become one and you won't feel that wall of separation anymore. And you will see that I was worth the wait and I will say, "You were worth the wait My love." Just as Abraham laid Isaac on an alter and I gave the body of my Son to bear beatings, piercing of thorns, and splinters of a cross.......so I surrender you child to the trials of this world. But find rest in knowing that Abraham received Isaac as one raised from the dead, and on the third day My Son arose victoriously from the grave."

I keep trying to end this blog, but more things keep popping into my mind. I had a friend who has a 5yr old little girl. A few yrs ago she got scratched very deeply above the eye by the family cat. Her parents took her to the doc and she had to have stitches, but the doctors could not do anything with her. She was wailing about slinging her arms and wrestling with the doctor. In this process her mother had to be the one to hold her down so they could give her shots to numb the pain.  This girl told me that her daughter would run from her after that for a while. She would withdraw from her embrace. This really scarred this little girl and her mother seemed to her to be the enemy, although, it was her mother that was really saving her.

She did not comprehend that and she lashed out at her and it formed a distrust in her toward her mother. Sometimes when we get really addicted to something and God wants to heal something in us that is painful, we put up a wall instantly with Him. Some trigger of mistrust is ignited. All of a sudden we see the shiny image of the edge of a scalpel coming  toward us and we see God holding it and we flinch and He becomes the enemy. This makes so much sense to me now. I have never really thought about this before. There are issues in my life where I would buck up against God in a heartbeat the moment He puts His finger on it. I am still learning to trust that He really does have my best interest at heart.