Falling apart in Tennessee

Yeah. I'm still whining. This past month has been sheer torture for me (in my mind). The very moment I wake up, my first thought is: "Oh God, I am awake again." Truth is, I am just tired....of life..and right now I am mad at God that I am alive. For clarification, I want to stress the fact that I am NOT suicidal. I am not that far over the edge. I am just daily, finding living, the act of breathing, to be a chore. Maybe I am just being melodramatic--I am certainly not beyond that (being that I have such a die-hard optimistic outlook on life.)

I can't really disclose here all of the frustrations that have led to the depression that I feel. I have been under an extreme amount of stress the last month over situations that I have no control over. But, I felt like there was at least one mountain conquered in my life, and in no way would I even consider opening the door to that "sin" again. Actually, I know my inner-self well enough to know, without a doubt, I have not reconsidered my decision to never look back toward my ex s/o (as far as a relationship goes). That, of course, is final. But, anger, resentment, and bitterness is creeping into my mind coupled with a lot of loneliness. If I saw the person I am referring to here, I would not want to hook up. On the contrary, I would want to cuss them out! And in the long run, is that fact any better? Am I better for wishing the person would contract a venereal disease?  I would not have wished that if it were not for the lying and cheating.

I do not wish death on S/O. That is too simplistic. No. What I wish for them is complete misery and a sex life from hell that is filled with dissatisfaction, agony, and complete loathing for the oaf they are with. Would that make me happy? At the moment, yes it would make me incredibly happy. Does any of these thoughts make me the "good little Christian" that I wish to be? NO! NO! NO! I am certain that I should not be sitting around meditating on these types of things. But, here i am, wading through the muck. And I have not even mentioned the pressure that led to all of these thoughts. It seems that this last month, hell has bombarded my mind from all sorts of directions, and I am not doing well at snapping out of it. Okay, I will end my rant here.