Yeah. I'm still whining. This past month has been sheer torture for me (in my mind). The very moment I wake up, my first thought is: "Oh God, I am awake again." Truth is, I am just tired....of life..and right now I am mad at God that I am alive. For clarification, I want to stress the fact that I am NOT suicidal. I am not that far over the edge. I am just daily, finding living, the act of breathing, to be a chore. Maybe I am just being melodramatic--I am certainly not beyond that (being that I have such a die-hard optimistic outlook on life.)
I can't really disclose here all of the frustrations that have led to the depression that I feel. I have been under an extreme amount of stress the last month over situations that I have no control over. But, I felt like there was at least one mountain conquered in my life, and in no way would I even consider opening the door to that "sin" again. Actually, I know my inner-self well enough to know, without a doubt, I have not reconsidered my decision to never look back toward my ex s/o (as far as a relationship goes). That, of course, is final. But, anger, resentment, and bitterness is creeping into my mind coupled with a lot of loneliness. If I saw the person I am referring to here, I would not want to hook up. On the contrary, I would want to cuss them out! And in the long run, is that fact any better? Am I better for wishing the person would contract a venereal disease? I would not have wished that if it were not for the lying and cheating.
I do not wish death on S/O. That is too simplistic. No. What I wish for them is complete misery and a sex life from hell that is filled with dissatisfaction, agony, and complete loathing for the oaf they are with. Would that make me happy? At the moment, yes it would make me incredibly happy. Does any of these thoughts make me the "good little Christian" that I wish to be? NO! NO! NO! I am certain that I should not be sitting around meditating on these types of things. But, here i am, wading through the muck. And I have not even mentioned the pressure that led to all of these thoughts. It seems that this last month, hell has bombarded my mind from all sorts of directions, and I am not doing well at snapping out of it. Okay, I will end my rant here.
tammy, i so wish this were different for you right now. i know how it feels to fall into a dark, familiar hole, and the despair that produces. i hope you can begin to be gentle with yourself and also begin to notice the little things in your day that will take your thoughts and your heart in another direction. peace to you little sister.
ReplyDeleteTerri, I don't have any idea what is wrong with my comment box. I have to wade through hell to read or leave a comment. Anyway, I will say thanks for listening to me. That helps. This January began as a trigger month for me. I thought that I had dealt with a lot of BS til my S/O's birthday rolled around in Jan. That started the ball rolling coupled with a LOT of financial stress. My problem right now is bitterness. So many (what I thought were dead bones) memories have resurfaced and I am really struggling to process them. Plus, now valentines day is a huge trigger for me. I want to walk through Wal-Mart with a shot gun and shoot the heads off of all those blasted Teddy Bears and blast every balloon that says I love You. HOWEVER, I am not a complete psycho and the word "incarceration" brings a lot of self restraint.
ReplyDeletewell, thank god for self-restraint! sometimes i think valentines day is the most evil holiday. i know so many people who struggle so bad the whole month of february because of what it reminds them of.
Deleteand i can't count the number of times where i thought i had dealt with something and then it pops up bigger than ever later on. so discouraging.
be gentle with yourself. there will come a time when the pain will not be as bad as it is now.