I am not going to bother to put a disclaimer here because my friends who read my blog already know that I am weird; thus, it won't matter. I am going to say some confusing controversial crap.......my usual writing style.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the word "love" and what that means to me. Normally, what that word means is linked with some romantic fallacy, some "high on emotion notion." It's returns are worth less than the stock markets lowest drop! I am typing in "jumbledness." Bear with me. To me, sex and love don't jive together. To me, they will never. They are two separate entities.......if I can call them that.
To me, sex mixed with love is blasphemy. Yeah. There. I said it. Yeah. I also know that is not scriptural and I also know that God ordained man to be fruitful and multiply and blah blah blah. I did not say that sex was not pleasurable. I suppose it can be labeled a lustful appetite. Sure. I will agree to that. I can't really go into all my reasons why I reached my view of sex here on this blog, but I don't so much have a very high opinion of the whole thing.
But, I have love and sex all mixed up and I wanna know what REAL love is and in my mind it really has nothing to do with sex at all. I am currently listening to (while I am typing this) to an 80's song by Foreigner, "I Wanna Know What Love Is." And that is my thoughts right now. Not toward any human being. Toward God. I wanna know what love is. I left church last night with this sense of "let down." I overheard a leader in the church complaining about another person saying, "I am tired of fooling with her. She is going to have to get her act together. I am tired of babying her." I am not angry at this leader. And I am trying really hard not to lose any respect for her. I realize that she is human and I don't know all the circumstances surrounding this person she was referring to. I know this person is human, but I still feel this let down.
Maybe I sound judgmental. I don't mean to be. Really, her statement made me look inside myself. I thought to myself, "Are you any better?" And the honest answer I had to come up with was, "No." I thought about the comments I make. I thought about all the mean sarcasm I use about others, and how if they heard me, it could hurt them deeply. I thought about my own cruel remarks and jokes and how NOT funny it can be. I sit sometimes and I think about hurting people who may be so broken that they are on the verge of dying and I pass them by everyday.
Where is love? If love is not in sex, the Foreigner songs, the fairytale romance movies with everlasting love endings, and if love is not even in church folks, WHERE IS LOVE? Love is in God. Where is God then? God does not seem to be in me. I appear to be too self centered to love anybody but myself. Writing this blog is hard because I am angry. I am angry at myself.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
All is Well
There is a story in the book of 2 kings 4 about the Shunammite's son who had died. This was the same son that Elisha the prophet had prophesied to her that she would conceive. He fell sick and died in her arms. She carries her son's body into the upper room, that herself, and her husband, had built for Elisha to sleep when he came through town. She is asked twice if things are okay with her, knowing her son is dead, still, she says, "it is well," on two separate occasions. She did not consult man with her plight. She waited until she reached God's prophet to pour out her complaint. In other words, she was holding her peace until she could touch God.
I have been in the midst of a raging storm for some time now. But, my God is faithful, and all is well.
I have been in the midst of a raging storm for some time now. But, my God is faithful, and all is well.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
An almost brush with death
I just had the most fearful but awesome experience, that beyond any doubt, proved the protection of God to me. My car has been acting crazy for months now. This has went wrong. That has went wrong. I have gotten so disgusted that I wanted to take it to the junk yard and park it. But, I have been driving it and ignoring the noise that it has been making lately. It started out with the steering wheel shaking, so I had a bad tire and put a new one on. Well, that was only a temporary fix.
It kept shaking, so i assumed that I had another bad tire. I got fed up, and just turned the radio up louder, ignored it, and hoped it would go away. I am a bit of a dare devil when it comes to mechanical issues. I ignore them until catastrophic events force me to fix the car. It really gripes me, because I see it as a waste of money and I grumble about all the other things that I could have spent the money on. Anyway, I kept driving the car, knowing something was wrong. Yesterday I drove it to my parents house and it is about an hours drive from where I live. It is a straight shot from Cleveland to where my parents live, so I set my cruise control on 55 and take off. I drove this two hour drive and when I got back to Cleveland my whole car was thumping (like I had a flat) and it was shaking wildly. I checked the car, no flat, but the car was still acting crazy. I finally make it home (not knowing if I was going to make it or not).
I got up this morning and drove the car once again to the college I am attending. I live about a 2 minute drive, and had to turn in some vital paper work by 4pm today, so I had no choice but to drive the car. Today, the car was acting insane. It sounded like the whole bottom of the car was going to fall out. When I pulled into the school parking lot, I looked at one of my tires and the wires were sticking out of the tire. It was in horrible condition, and at this point I am scared to death I will not get home. Still, I get in the car to drive home........very slowly. After I get home, I asked my neighbor to help change the tire and when he took it off I was in total shock. Not only were the wires sticking out, but the whole inside of the tire was eaten up......there was hardly any tire left. The whole tire was whop sided, but you could not see how eaten up it was from the outside. I wish I could upload a photo so I could really let others see this. I was in total shock that I had not had a serious accident yesterday because of the rate of speed I was traveling.
I called my mom to tell her this story because I was convinced that God's protection was all over me. She says to me: "Tammy, it is so odd you are saying this. Yesterday, after you said you were coming, I had the weirdest feeling about it. I almost called you to tell you not to come, but I was afraid it might hurt your feelings. Do you not remember me telling you over and over to be careful?" She told me the thought bugged her all day until I got there. She did tell me over and over to be careful, which is unusual for my mom because it is usually my dad that worries about everything.
I did think it was strange how many times she stressed to me to be careful. Of course, I blew it off as mom being overprotective. This thing was really weird because the thought ran through my mind several times yesterday about having a wreck. I knew the car had been shaking and if a tire blew out, at the speed I was traveling, I knew it could be fatal. I kept having these inner flashes of me in a car accident, still I blew it off as me being paranoid. Even that did not deter me. I still went along my merry way. And today when I saw the awful condition of that tire, I cried. I said, "Oh God, no one would believe this, but I know you spared my life."
It kept shaking, so i assumed that I had another bad tire. I got fed up, and just turned the radio up louder, ignored it, and hoped it would go away. I am a bit of a dare devil when it comes to mechanical issues. I ignore them until catastrophic events force me to fix the car. It really gripes me, because I see it as a waste of money and I grumble about all the other things that I could have spent the money on. Anyway, I kept driving the car, knowing something was wrong. Yesterday I drove it to my parents house and it is about an hours drive from where I live. It is a straight shot from Cleveland to where my parents live, so I set my cruise control on 55 and take off. I drove this two hour drive and when I got back to Cleveland my whole car was thumping (like I had a flat) and it was shaking wildly. I checked the car, no flat, but the car was still acting crazy. I finally make it home (not knowing if I was going to make it or not).
I got up this morning and drove the car once again to the college I am attending. I live about a 2 minute drive, and had to turn in some vital paper work by 4pm today, so I had no choice but to drive the car. Today, the car was acting insane. It sounded like the whole bottom of the car was going to fall out. When I pulled into the school parking lot, I looked at one of my tires and the wires were sticking out of the tire. It was in horrible condition, and at this point I am scared to death I will not get home. Still, I get in the car to drive home........very slowly. After I get home, I asked my neighbor to help change the tire and when he took it off I was in total shock. Not only were the wires sticking out, but the whole inside of the tire was eaten up......there was hardly any tire left. The whole tire was whop sided, but you could not see how eaten up it was from the outside. I wish I could upload a photo so I could really let others see this. I was in total shock that I had not had a serious accident yesterday because of the rate of speed I was traveling.
I called my mom to tell her this story because I was convinced that God's protection was all over me. She says to me: "Tammy, it is so odd you are saying this. Yesterday, after you said you were coming, I had the weirdest feeling about it. I almost called you to tell you not to come, but I was afraid it might hurt your feelings. Do you not remember me telling you over and over to be careful?" She told me the thought bugged her all day until I got there. She did tell me over and over to be careful, which is unusual for my mom because it is usually my dad that worries about everything.
I did think it was strange how many times she stressed to me to be careful. Of course, I blew it off as mom being overprotective. This thing was really weird because the thought ran through my mind several times yesterday about having a wreck. I knew the car had been shaking and if a tire blew out, at the speed I was traveling, I knew it could be fatal. I kept having these inner flashes of me in a car accident, still I blew it off as me being paranoid. Even that did not deter me. I still went along my merry way. And today when I saw the awful condition of that tire, I cried. I said, "Oh God, no one would believe this, but I know you spared my life."
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
My spiritual journey: en medias res
I am about to get into a more serious side of blogging. I am not sure how deeply I am going to blog about certain aspects of myself and specifically my past, but i am going to go into some detail that will probably be a bit risky. So here goes. Many of my friends here know things about my personal life because we became close and I was pretty upfront about certain parts of myself. So for me to say I had a lot of relationships go awry is not a mystery to them.
Last December was a very huge reality check for me. The only way I know how to compare it to would be the equivalent to an alcoholic coming to his senses after he ran over someone and killed them while DUI. I am not a drug addict, at least not one that you may typically label an addict.........I don't do drugs and I am not addicted to alcohol, but I have another addiction. I get attached to people and they become addictions. The other day I ran into my therapists office in a panic thinking I had borderline personality disorder. She kinda looked at me funny, as if surprised, and said, "No Tammy. You better check the DSM again. You don't have BPD."
Whew! I had read a book on that and wow. These folks are really hard to treat and one major reason is they think everybody else in their life is their problem. Their idea of rejecting them is they have called 5 times in one day and the 6th one you can't answer because you were in the middle of a funeral and they go cut themselves believing you don't care. I am in NO WAY trying to make fun of people with this issue. I used a somewhat fanatical explanation, but borderlines can really be that extremely clingy and justify it in their minds. And i can sympathize with that because they are living in an unreality that is a very painful reality to them. I have never been this unreasonably clingy, but I have been way too clingy to others, but usually I notice it and keep myself in check over it.
However, some aspects of BPD mirror co-dependency. I have never understood what that meant, well, until a few weeks ago. There is a christian author that has written a very biblical approach to this term and it opened my eyes to so many things. I will save some of the things that God taught me about this subject on my next blog. I want to shorten these posts so I don't overwhelm everybody with these long blogs.
Last December was a very huge reality check for me. The only way I know how to compare it to would be the equivalent to an alcoholic coming to his senses after he ran over someone and killed them while DUI. I am not a drug addict, at least not one that you may typically label an addict.........I don't do drugs and I am not addicted to alcohol, but I have another addiction. I get attached to people and they become addictions. The other day I ran into my therapists office in a panic thinking I had borderline personality disorder. She kinda looked at me funny, as if surprised, and said, "No Tammy. You better check the DSM again. You don't have BPD."
Whew! I had read a book on that and wow. These folks are really hard to treat and one major reason is they think everybody else in their life is their problem. Their idea of rejecting them is they have called 5 times in one day and the 6th one you can't answer because you were in the middle of a funeral and they go cut themselves believing you don't care. I am in NO WAY trying to make fun of people with this issue. I used a somewhat fanatical explanation, but borderlines can really be that extremely clingy and justify it in their minds. And i can sympathize with that because they are living in an unreality that is a very painful reality to them. I have never been this unreasonably clingy, but I have been way too clingy to others, but usually I notice it and keep myself in check over it.
However, some aspects of BPD mirror co-dependency. I have never understood what that meant, well, until a few weeks ago. There is a christian author that has written a very biblical approach to this term and it opened my eyes to so many things. I will save some of the things that God taught me about this subject on my next blog. I want to shorten these posts so I don't overwhelm everybody with these long blogs.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
One of my weird stories..........for old time sake.
Now, about my sarcasm. I would have to have NO pulse to cut that out, so........I am in recovery....not dead. With that being said, I must tell one of my ridiculous stories. I am taking an astronomy class this semester. Yeah. I know. Astronomy? Right? Why am I doing something this ludicrous? To avoid biology. Duh! Why else would I be taking a retarded class like this? Who even knew this was an actual science that anyone took seriously? Really?
Anyway.........back to degrees in astronomy. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" "Oh, a cast member on Star Trek. I have a degree in astronomy. I wanna be one of those hairy monstrosities with 3 heads, half a nose with a clothespin ripped through the mamed nostril, one werewolf shaped ear, and a partridge in a pear tree growing out my rear that plays jingle bells (also in Spanish) when I walk."
Who gets a degree in astronomy? Really? Well, obviously somebody does because our college has "2", yes, that is "2" certified Doctors of Astronomy. I brought that up for a reason. Our class is on Thursday nights and this past Thursday we stood out in the cold mind you, while "2", yes that's "2" professors with doctorates tried to focus "4", yes that's "4", high powered telescopes on Jupiter. And one was triple the size of a civil war cannon. This process took "2", yes that's "2" hours (not to set up..to find the dang planet) ........meanwhile back at the ranch..........Frankie, who has an app on her smart phone that projects virtual real-time space by satellite, is walking around in the dark showing the rest of the lethargic, complaining class where Jupiter was because neither professor could focus the telescope. Is it just me or does anyone else find it a little odd that 2 professors, 4 telescopes and a smart phone is required to find a planet? It almost requires a pollock joke.
The real praying is going to begin next semester when the professor retires and we have a real instructor and we all need part two to graduate. That is when we will all become religious quickly and start chanting, invoking catholic voodoo, throwing around holy water, praying to Jesus, Mary, Job, Aristotle, Buddha, Elvis......and whoever else will listen. As it stands now we are all cheating on the exams........(ahem) I mean group study. I hope God does not consider cheating to be a sin. I wonder how many hail Mary's that is gonna cost because I seriously am not considering changing. Anyway, this is not one of the 10 commandments.........or is it? I forgot what they are, but I am pretty sure it did not make God's top 10 so it must not be too important.
Anyway.........back to degrees in astronomy. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" "Oh, a cast member on Star Trek. I have a degree in astronomy. I wanna be one of those hairy monstrosities with 3 heads, half a nose with a clothespin ripped through the mamed nostril, one werewolf shaped ear, and a partridge in a pear tree growing out my rear that plays jingle bells (also in Spanish) when I walk."
Who gets a degree in astronomy? Really? Well, obviously somebody does because our college has "2", yes, that is "2" certified Doctors of Astronomy. I brought that up for a reason. Our class is on Thursday nights and this past Thursday we stood out in the cold mind you, while "2", yes that's "2" professors with doctorates tried to focus "4", yes that's "4", high powered telescopes on Jupiter. And one was triple the size of a civil war cannon. This process took "2", yes that's "2" hours (not to set up..to find the dang planet) ........meanwhile back at the ranch..........Frankie, who has an app on her smart phone that projects virtual real-time space by satellite, is walking around in the dark showing the rest of the lethargic, complaining class where Jupiter was because neither professor could focus the telescope. Is it just me or does anyone else find it a little odd that 2 professors, 4 telescopes and a smart phone is required to find a planet? It almost requires a pollock joke.
The real praying is going to begin next semester when the professor retires and we have a real instructor and we all need part two to graduate. That is when we will all become religious quickly and start chanting, invoking catholic voodoo, throwing around holy water, praying to Jesus, Mary, Job, Aristotle, Buddha, Elvis......and whoever else will listen. As it stands now we are all cheating on the exams........(ahem) I mean group study. I hope God does not consider cheating to be a sin. I wonder how many hail Mary's that is gonna cost because I seriously am not considering changing. Anyway, this is not one of the 10 commandments.........or is it? I forgot what they are, but I am pretty sure it did not make God's top 10 so it must not be too important.
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